This is the second guest post from my dear friend Annie. If you missed her first post, it was fantastic and received great feedback, you can read it here Discipline Strategies – Helping Boys With Their Temper.
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Due to his job my husband, the father of our two children aged 8 and 10 years, is away nearly every week for between 3 and 5 days. It wouldn’t suit everyone but for various reasons, after a lot of contemplation and even a break from this way of working, I’ve accepted that, for now, this is the way it will be. This is how we make it work.
Speak Honestly With The Children
From the beginning I have explained to the kids that in this family Dad earns more than Mum and because of the good wage he earns we can buy books, go on holidays etc. As we have just had a period where dad has been doing another job and not travelling they have come to realise that dad travelling means frequent flyer points and them travelling more often.
Make Dad Being Away Okay
I have several things I do only when it is the 3 of us:
- One, crazily, is that when we are having dinner, 2 of the walls talk to us (through me of course). The kids know this is completely made up but just love the grumpy wall’s attitude and are always asking if Walter and Wanda are talking today. Sometimes I curse the day I made this one up but I know they will grow out of it soon like so much else so I enjoy the laughter it provokes even when I am tired.
- Two, eat ‘nursery’ meals. Simple things like avocado on toast or baked beans are often on the menu. Both the kids and I love this for different reasons! Also, very occasionally, I will take them out to eat. This is usually because I need a change to the dynamic of it just being 3 of us again.
- Three, some nights we snuggle up together in the big bed and go to sleep there. I know the kids are not going to be interested in this much longer either so the squashiness and early nights are worth it!
I am conscious that it would be possible to create a situation where dad’s presence is resented. This never seems to be a problem probably because I am still grumpy and tired frequently or perhaps because Mr W is a very easygoing guy who just slots in when he comes home or perhaps because we make sure to:
Create Situations On Weekends Where Mr W Gets One On One Time With Each Child.
There is no doubt we have made a lifestyle choice that could impact on our kids’ relationship with their dad. So we try to counter the lack of everyday presence with shared weekend activities. This happens naturally with our youngest who shares his Dad’s love of cricket and football. At some point each weekend Dad and daughter will go somewhere that usually contains a café stop (and unless Mum remembers to ban it on the way out) a bookshop visit and purchase. (What happened to libraries????)
Have Dates.
We are lucky that Andrew’s days at home are sometimes just that. He works from home and if it is a day I am not working we have a lunch date. Not having kids with us during the daylight hours still feels a little like wagging school! At particularly busy times or when I am feeling a little snowed under it is important to make time to get out in the evening even when we are tired. I usually find once a fortnight is good timing, otherwise it can feel a little like a chore because we are both tired and the couch looks good!
Go With Him When We Can.
This may sound glamorous but actually never happens much as the novelty of being in a different place with the kids while he works all day soon wears off. However when he has a long trip to somewhere where we can get out and around relatively easily this does happen. Generally it needs to involve a place with a holiday atmosphere, especially warmth and a pool or beach and he doesn’t go to those kind of places very often! I do make the choice to go sometimes so that he and I continue to have shared experiences of new places. Having said this we haven’t been anywhere with him for 18 months.
Ensure There Is A Three Week Block Of Holidays Somewhere During The Year.
I don’t think this pertains only to our situation but it is doubly important that as a family we have a guaranteed block of time when family dynamics can shift and update where necessary. Admittedly we are often in an unreal holiday environment but it still happens. Although it can be very difficult going back to reality at the end…
Spoil Myself.
I have just dropped back to 2 days a week of paid work. This is partly because we have a new baby in the extended family and I like spending time with the mum while he gets settled in. (Don’t mistake this for generosity! Having had only 2 kids of my own, the chance to cuddle and settle a newborn is a delight. Also the fact that when I’m tired he can go back to mum and dad!) I also like to be part of my kids’ school community.
At the moment I have chosen to put my career in a holding pattern and earn less so that I can have a well-rounded life. I am going to try to make sure I spend one day a week doing something completely frivolous like catching a movie or having a long lunch with a friend. It is just too easy to get bogged down with housework and planning and I have to make a conscious effort not to do this. If I have done something frivolous during the day I get back to mothering with a renewed vigour and it’s a reminder of the freedom I have as a result of the choice we’ve made.
I am a realist and I know we are all working with unique situations. This works for our family with our particular dynamic at this time. Yes sometimes I resent being home alone (usually when one or more of us is really unwell and the physical and emotional strain takes its toll, you know -3am and you are trying to decide if this asthma episode requires hospitalisation or not) but I know there are plenty of people out there parenting on their own full-time and doing a much better job than me.
Finally, anyone who knows us will tell you it’s not an easy option for my husband either. When he is home he spends his time being a dedicated dad and husband and has to rely on those quiet hotel room nights to read and watch current affairs programs! If he wasn’t so committed to the family when at home this really wouldn’t work.
I’d love to hear your ideas for getting the best out of family life when a partner travels.
Image by amadeus kanaan
16 comments...read them below or add one
GREAT tips here!
My tips? I wrote about it here:
http://beafunmum.com/2009/10/whens-daddy-coming-home/
Thanks for adding your link Kelly. I love the nail calendar idea!
Hi Nicole
I did a post in March titled “How To Explain A Work Trip To A Toddler”. My husband doesn’t travel often so I wanted our son to understand that Daddy hadn’t just disappeared! Here’s the link: http://smallerthanariver.blogspot.com/2010/03/how-to-explain-work-trip-to-toddler.html
Although my husband isn’t away often I can relate to many aspects of your week. My hubby is often late home from work and 2 nights a week is at uni. It’s a hard slog and my (as well as his) days are long but we do what we have to.
I also don’t have a partner who travels a lot, but he is does work late often, so have found my own little ways to cope.
Great post too Brooke, I recommend anyone who has a partner taking an overseas trip soon, check it out. Great ‘how to” included.
When my daughter was a toddler, my wife was a frequent business traveller. We never really had to “talk” to her about it because it was simply a condition of her life for as long as she could remember: sometimes mommy went away for a few days to work.
Although we missed her, Josephine and I would sort of hunker down in our lives, paring away the extraneous stuff and get into the mommy’s away routine, which involved eating lots of dinners in restaurants, which we both loved! We also made a point of going places that my wife generally didn’t like going, such as sporting events and places where we could play pinball (even as a preschooler, she loved pinball).
At some point we noticed a pattern. When mommy got home, no matter how excited we were to see her, Josephine was usually in tears within the first hour and I had picked a fight. We decided that this meant that she was sad that mommy had been away and I was mad. To this day (she’s now a teen) I remind her not to cry and she reminds me not to pick a fight. It’s pretty cool.
That is such a beautiful story Tom. It is often not until things to return to “normal” do we realise that we have actually being yearning for that state.
Great post! You know, my Dad has said how guilty he feels that he ran his own business and worked 6 or 7 days a week when we were kids and that we rarely got holidays. My recollection is not the same, I remember going to Dad’s brick yard on weekends and running amok and having a great relationship with my Dad. I think as Annie says, kids just get used to their own unique family situation. I have a husband who travels often and works late and now realise how tough it can be on a Mum. We have a toddler and are about to have our 2nd baby, I’ve learned to accept lots of help from my in-laws as my family is interstate. Our toddler has overnight stays/mini holidays at their house which we schedule before I get to the point of having a breakdown! I also belong to a gorgeous group of friends who all help each other when we need it as not everyone has family nearby to rely on.
Having a supportive network of friends is such a great tip Kim!
Great tips, I’ve made note in case of future need.
My husband used to work nightshift for a week at a time, He would come home from work after the girls had left for school and get up to leave for work, just as the girls were getting home for the day. It felt like we didn’t get to see him for the week. I found myself getting resentful that whilst he was home I was basically sole parenting because the hours he was home he slept. Then on his weekend off his body clock was so out of whack with ours that we rarely saw him. Must say I’m very grateful he is now working day shift all the time and we no longer have to tip toe around a sleeping daddy.
Great article and fabulous tips. My wee ones are now 12 and 14 and since they were 1 and 3, Dad has traveled much of the time. This includes two deployments with the US Navy (more on that later). So many good point made in the post and the comments and it’s important to share perspectives and strategies. Since we are past the energy draining/demanding stage, it’s easier for me to remember things fondly! Here are a few reflections on what worked for us:
1. shift your expectations. Don’t expect Martha Stewart, but do make your bed. Or whatever makes you feel sane and happy. You’re stronger than you believe, but you’re not Superwoman.
2. keep a schedule. count the days until his/her return. It’s easy to be slushy, but kids crave boundaries and clear expectations.
3. keep in touch – email, ichat, journals. photos. The Traveler misses you too!
4. Allow for sad or resentful feelings. they’re normal. Help children express them constructively by modeling “I statements” , drawing, imaginary play.
5. plan a celebration for the return. and plan alone time for each person to visit with the traveler.
5. Surround yourself with positive energy and a support network. I’ve done the 3 am “is this an asthma episode worth a trip to the hospital” and the “I am going to lose my mind if I can’t have 15 minutes peace” – find a friend who will swap child care. In my case, it was often hard to part with the cash to pay a sitter, but I bet I would have been a happier, calmer mom if I had.
6. plan a celebration for the Traveler’s return. Individually or as a family unit. But be mindful that the return is not always a piece of cake.
This last point has taken me years to fully comprehend. The re-entry on the Traveler can be as tough as it is for those who hold down the fort. Allow for that. Give him/her space to unwind, unpack, adjust. Everyone wants to see the Traveler, but sometimes the Traveler needs a shower in his own bath or a familiar meal before life begins to feel normal again.
As I said at the beginning, we’ve been doing this for years. Private companies and the Navy kept and keeps him traveling. We even had a house fire on one deployment which sent the three of us into a rental house for a year (and dad continued to travel, but was out of harm’s way because of that fire!) What really counts at the end of the day is the assurance that everyone in the family feels safe, loved, and cared for. If traveling means that goal can be achieved, the rest will fall into place.
Brilliant response Lisa – you should turn it into your own post!
Hi planningqueen, love yr site,
My hubby travels every other week for work & my lil ones (3 & 13) really miss him and after a week looking after the farm on
My own & handling everything I often have alot to catch him up on but Lisa’s comment : “This last point has taken me years to fully comprehend. The re-entry on the Traveler can be as tough as it is for those who hold down the fort. Allow for that. Give him/her space to unwind, unpack, adjust. Everyone wants to see the Traveler, but sometimes the Traveler needs a shower in his own bath or a familiar meal before life begins to feel normal again.” this is very true DH has just driven over 2 hrs at the end of a full days work and he really needs time to “get in the door”
Thanks this post & the comments made me feel not so alone
Hugs
C
I just did a recent post on this!
http://aspiremum.blogspot.com/2010/07/flying-solo.html
It’s always hard when hubby travels – but we’ve more or less been functioning this way since we met!
Thanks for including the link Debbie. A very practical approach. I think you are right in that you find a way to make it work.
When my hubby travels overseas (he is usually away for 2 weeks at a time 4-5 times a year), my 3yo son and I have loads of fun – I get to spend more time with him as I am not feeling the pressure to ‘keep house’, we also break the house rules a bit i.e. eating dinner in front of the TV, having chicken nuggets for lunch.
WE also use that time to visit friends and family interstate, so that is a treat too.
We have a world map on the wall and my son now knows all the places Daddy visits overseas. We talk about the kinds of places he goes, and what people there do, we might listen to some music from there, or have a look at some cartoons from that country.
We also have skype installed on all our computers so we can video chat to Daddy for free most nights he is away – that visual is a real bonus.
I will add that son is always in bed early, because I really miss that small break at the end of the day that Daddy provides
Thanks for adding to the conversation Anna. Some great tips! I love music, so think the idea of listening to music from the country dad is at is fab.http://planningwithkids.com/2010/07/29/how-to-cope-when-dad-travels-for-work-a-lot/#respond