This is a question that I have been contemplating a bit recently. Our beautiful baby number 5 will be our last and when I have mentioned to parents of older children, how I look forward to things becoming a bit easier in the years to come, a number of them have made remarks indicating that this is not the case. They suggest that it actually gets harder as the kids get older!
From where I am at the moment, I just can’t see how that could be. So firstly I would like to ask the question to readers who have older children – do you think that it doesn’t get any easier as the kids get older?
Secondly, I thought that I would note down some of the aspects of parenting a young family that I can find tough some days. I adore all five of my children and love the fun, chaos and the moments of pure joy that a large family brings. But there are days where it just seems like a lot of hard work. This list below isn’t meant to grandstand in any way about how much I do, or anything like that. I am sure most parents of young families will be able to tick of all these things and relate to these areas of family life.
However, my key objective in documenting this, is so that I can look back in 10 years time and make a judgement call myself on what was an easier stage in the parenting cycle. I am beginning to think that there possibly isn’t any “easier” stage in the parenting cycle, it is just that the stages have different requirements. I guess I will find this out in 10 years time!! 
Here are some things that some days I find a little tough:
Running Errands
With the new car seat laws, I have three children who need properly fitted car seats. Due to the set up of our car, all three car seats are in one row, meaning that even the one child that uses a seat belt, isn’t able to do it up themselves because it is too squishy. To run errands where I have to visit a couple of different places, requires placing 3 kids into 3 seats, fastening 3 restraints, then doing this over and over again until we have finished. I find this exhausting, especially when after the second or third time we do this and the baby starts to arch his back, in defiance abut having to go back into the car seat again!
Showering
Bubs is crawling and pulling himself up onto everything. If I miss the opportunity to shower before Mr I goes to work, then showering can be a debacle. If I place him in the high chair so he is safe, he gets upset about having to be in there and cries. If I let him roam free, then it is a game of Russian Roulette to see how long it is until he loses his balance and crashes onto the hard tile floor and we have tears.
After School Activities
We have activities 3 out of 5 nights. The majority of the time, I will have a meal prepared for these nights, so I don’t have to start cooking at 5.30pm. But there are times when I have appointments in the morning or I just don’t get around to cooking the meal. This means, the evening can degenerate to something a little like this:
- Arrive home 5.30pm.
- Baby is tired as he was woken up at 3pm to leave for school pick up and cannot be removed from the hip without tears.
- 3 year old is hungry, wants dinner now! and is whining quite loudly to make sure that I understand this.
- Prep child is tired and sensitive, reacting incredibly well to being wound up by her older brothers.
- We eventually sit down to eat at around 6pm with everyone feeling slightly frazzled.
- After bath, there is still reading and words to be completed, baby to be breastfed and stories to be read, before I can bundle them all off to bed.
Sleep Deprivation
Although sleeping through the night, our baby is an early riser. He seems to really enjoy waking up when there is a 5 at the front of the clock display! (I have had somewhat of a reprieve since returning from holidays, but the pattern is for him to wake slightly earlier each day, so it is only time before I am up at 5.30am again.) If this is a given, then I should just go to bed earlier and I do know this, but I struggle to get into bed before 10.30pm. Throw in a sick child to the mix, with waking over night and then we have interrupted sleep as well.
Lifting, Carrying, Chasing
I keep reasonably fit, but there are still days when I have been out and about with the kids and it has involved lifting, carrying, chasing the kids, etc and I feel pretty physically exhausted.
The Squabbling
I do need to say that as far as sibling harmony goes, my kids get along very well and enjoy each other’s company. But there are still those days when it seems like no one can get along at all! Squabbling over tiny issues and being unable to resolve their own disputes with bombarding me with “she did this” and “he did that” – can really make my head hurt.
Competing Needs
There are moments when multiple children need you at the same time and it is impossible to please them all. Dealing with the emotional fall out of a preschooler who has to wait to play with me, while I test the spelling of his older brother or from being told that dad is reading bed time stories not mum, can become wearing at the end of a long day.
Finding Moments of Peace and Quiet
Thankfully once in bed for the night, my kids usually stay there, so by the time the eldest child heads off to bed at 8.30pm there is calm and peace across the house. However it is wonderful to try and have some peace and quiet in the middle of the day to regroup and refresh. To obtain this, the baby and preschooler will need to be asleep at the same time and sometimes this requires all my skills I used formerly as a project manager, to make this happen – but it is completely worth it!
With my little ones, quite often I cannot even go to the toilet for a few minutes without being followed or having some form of chaos erupt in my absence – does that happen to anyone else???
Just to reiterate – I wouldn’t change my situation for the world and I am so very grateful to have 5 healthy and beautiful children whom I love and adore, but there is no denying that it takes hard work to raise a young family. The question I want to know the answer to though is does it get easier as they get older?
{ 23 comments }
I really enjoyed reading that post – not that I enjoy you finding it hard – but I can relate. I think with littlies its the practical stuff that is hard work, with older kids is the mental/emotional stuff (from what I can tell). I was thinking of you this morning when I was putting both my kids in carseats … I honestly think if I had 5 I would never leave the house. My motto is Simplify simplify simplify … but there is only so much of that you can do! Imagine how chaotic our lives would be if we weren’t planners!
I can’t say whether parenting gets easier as I have 2 littlies, but I too hold my breath as I go to the toilet in the hope that nothing will happen while I’m gone. I’m thinking that parenting might get less physically demanding as my children get older, I’m not sure about easier.
yup, so only having one child.
I have a 9 year old, and another baby on the way. I think it get physically easier as they get older, being that you don’t have to worry about them hurting themselves on certain things, don’t have to worry about carrying them round or buckling them into car seats, nor about preparing them a separate meal (if the baby isn’t eating solids yet), etc etc. Definitely, though, the emotional and mental demands become more difficult, as well as more demands with school and extra-curricular activities.
Great post. I love the way you can be analytical with your reflections without being disconnected from the emotions. Kewl!
I think it does get easier as they grow older. There are new challenges, of course, but I think the nature of the challenge changes as children become more independent. I really noticed the difference as the Kewl girls got older. We were a far more cohesive team and as he physical demands of babies became less, I had more energy for other areas.
When Mr R (who is 2yo) joined our family I really noticed the difference, not just because he made up the fourth child in the family, but more so because his needs were so different to the girls and where they were up to.
I agree with your post, its so hard to get anything done, I have 4 and simple things are so hard. I have friends with teenagers though and although it physically gets easier they tell me this is nothing compaired to having teenagers and helping them navigate life. When I talk to them they seem so mentally exhausted that I have begun to try to enjoy this time a bit as it seems it is going to get harder. Oh joy.
Nicole, that piece you wrote was so well written and so true when you are going through the “little kid and baby” stage. It bought back a lot of memories from what seems ages ago but wasn’t. As a mum of 3, a 17 year old son, 11 and 8 year old daughters, I have been there done that, and I remember thinking “I cant wait to have a little freedom, going shopping on your own, toilet in peace, having a shower without the house destroyed!” I dont want to be the negative blogger but to answer your question honestly I think now I am at the other end I can say it was much easier when they were young! I am sorry to say that Nicole! I now have all at school, all doing well and I have my time during the day to run my business without interruption, shop without tag alongs and wear a white shirt without vegimite smeared over it! However even though it is easier physically, I think the mental strain and worry is far greater, as is the “taxi” driving to activities and accommodating their social lives, here I thought my hubby and I could go out more for dinner but we always are watching the clock to pick them up and ferry around!. When they were young I felt totally in control of their lives and who they mixed with (well most the time!!) and could PLAN (as you will relate to) well, that all goes out the door now, now I worry more about where they are, what they are doing, who is a bad influence, what are other kids teaching them, peer pressure etc etc. Maybe its the control freak in me, but i find it very hard to let go, especially my 17 year old, dont get me wrong he is the most amazing, loving, funny, warm and intelligent boy, I wouldnt want him any other way (well maybe a bit more study, less socializing!LOL), what I find so hard and worry about isn’t so much himself but the things happening around him. His friends, sporting mates, the worry when he goes out, is he going to get bashed, get offered drugs, alcohol, getting into older friend’s cars, I have seen a huge amount of depression and mental illness in that age group and have had to watch my son and his friends struggle with a close friend taking his own life at the age of 16 and watch them carry his coffin at his funeral, things you just dont ever think will happen and never wish on anyone but they do, I can honestly say this is the hardest thing I have ever had to face as a parent and a year on it still haunts me and I worry about him and his friends and the impact it has had on their young impressionable lives. Did we handle it correctly, just because he SEEMS happy, is he? We all thought his high achieving friendly funny and loving friend was too…. I worry about the impact on my girls who I think are too young to know what suicide is but it was in their face, I also worry about the pressure to be like the models in the magazines, tv etc. I could write a whole list of things I think about when I lie in bed. I know this all sounds very deep but it is from the heart and is how I am answering your question, I LOVE my freedom as they get older BUT I dont love THEIR freedom, I find it very difficult, give me pooey nappies, messy house any day over the worry. I dont want to sound negative to parents of young children so let me tell you what I love about the kids getting older, I am so proud of their sporting and academic achievements, their friendships develop as I watch them over the years, I love watching them grow into their own person with own personalities and I love my 11 year old cooking dinner for us, my 17 year old earning his own money and holding onto friendships sice prep, and my 8 year old who was the shyest child you could ever have, blossom into the sweetest, friendliest, confident young girl who can stand up and sing in front of the whole school. That part of children growing up I wouldnt swap for the world. I just keep telling them I love them, set boundaries when I see fit and talk to them openly about everything and sit back, cross my fingers and hope and worry like I do that they all get through reasonably unscathed into happy and healthy adults.
With showering … have you tried doing something like giving him an empty bowl, a bowl with water, and a measuring spoon/scoop. Set him up sitting on a towel on the floor in the bathroom, playing with the water while you shower?
Another thing that might work is a paintbrush and some water and get him to paint the outside of the shower while you are in there.
Oh golly, I *so* hear you on this one! I have two less kids than you and I still find these aspects challenging daily, even though, like you, I actually love my life on balance and enjoy the chaos as much as the kisses
Re whether it gets harder, I’m not sure. I have a 6-y-old, 4-y-old and 9 month old at present so time will tell, I guess. My friend who has a 16 and 14 y-old as well as a 5 and 3-y-old always says “Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems” so maybe it does get harder in some ways.
That said, I really noticed things getting easier last year, before the beautiful baby was born (when my elder two were 5 and 3) as they got more physically independent, very creative in their play together, and old enough to have reason with and have great conversations with. So maybe it’s all relative!
Gypsy – I love the motto simplify, simplify it is too easy too make our life more complicated that it needs to be.
Catherine – I think you have summed it up well, these years are more physically demanding, while the oncoming years with teenagers look like they will be more mentally demanding.
Fiona – Terrific response!!!
Jackie R. – good luck with your pregnancy. I do look forward to when bubs is up and walking safely!
Alison – Thanks! I know exactly what you mean about the team thing. When we were away without dad, the oldest 3 kids really worked with me, so we could pack ourselves up and make it home safely.
Bushbelles – This post and all the fantastic comments has made me realise that I do need to cherish these years indeed!
Kerrie – Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me and readers of Planning With Kids. As I have said above your experience shows me that the oncoming teenage years are harder on a very different level. I think like yourself, letting go of your kids gradually so they can be independent I will find quite tricky. Thanks again for giving us insight into the next stage of family life.
My boys are 16, 13 and 12 now. I remember the days that you describe all too well and they were exhausting (mostly physically and mentally).. Parenting as the kids get older is more emotionally and mentally exhausting.
So, yes I am still exhausted from motherhood, just in a different way LOL
But oh so worth it =)
Loved this post, I am one of the mums who is crossing her fingers hoping this gets easier, I have a two year old, a one year old and another one due in February. My main frustration is leaving the house at the moment, my eldest can’t cope with us going somewhere without someone, it just leads to complete panic, so even a quick trip to the shops is a case of Mum, Dad and both kids bundled into the car. We minimise how much we go out by planning it around preschool days and doing several errands at once, but I’m so looking forward to when they can buckle themselves, I don’t have to pull out prams, I don’t have to think whether we’ve got enough nappies.
Just don’t tell me it gets harder!
I often make myself feel better by telling myself it will get easier…. though I’m not sure I truly believe that and reading your comments now I am slightly scared.
But I do hope it gets physically easier? Surely I won’t be getting up in the night to a scared 16 year old girl or two? I won’t be rescuing a 12 year old boy from the top of the piano ten times a day… surely?
I can see the emotional/mental part of parenting getting harder and more challenging but I’m hoping with a bit of sleep I might be more up to the challenge?
I live in hope!
I have a 4yo boy and 14yo girl. My son can be physically exhausting, but my daughter is mentally and emotionally exhausting! I find her to be much harder work than my son right now. (I totally admit to being someone who adores babies/young children, though. Maybe dealing with her would be easier if I adored teens as much!)
It just gets different
Well I think it totally gets easier. Family dinners are more interesting and playing family games like cards or Singstar are great fun.
The kids organise themselves in the mornings which gives me an extra half hour lie-in and they get themselves to school.
When they do their chores – they do them well enough that I don’t have to do them again and sometimes they even bring me a cup of tea when I’m watching telly in the evening.
I’m loving it… and of course them!
… forgot to say that I also have 3 carseats in a row. What you need to do is buy a ’seat belt extender’. It effectively raises the car’s seatbelt buckle by either 20cm to 30cm. I purchased mine from http://www.seatbeltsolutions.com.au which is in Perth. There may be a company more local to you. It cost around $38.
Since purchasing the seatbelt extender, my eldest (5.5yrs) can now do up her seatbelt all by herself.
It is brilliant. I wish I had known about them 3 years ago.
Thanks for this post Nicole! I also wonder, with how physical it is with littlies, how will it change as they get older? Effectively coercing and strapping 3 littlies into car seats is tiresome in itself when you’re running errands here there and everywhere!!!
is tehre ever an age that is easy? As i discover each year Every year older seems to come with it its own new challenges – 4yr olds are not easier than 3s they are different with different challenges – and then when you think ive gone through 1 AND 2 AND 3 so when number 2 daughter hits 3 i will have coped with those challenges and know how to handle them – but then because of the dynamics of them having an older sibling everything changes. But i wonder – I think as i go I could list the “3yr old challenges” and “4yr old” and i wonder is it every year something new and different so we can grow as a mum – It never gets easier from what i can say but tehre is that classic saying “”Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy” If we do not have the bad times of motherhood we can never truly apreciate the good
*sigh* I too think it gets easier. They are so hands on when little. 2 car seats and 1 booster seat for us. My goodness, going up the street for even a short trip… it’s just an effort. I remember meeting a friend one time, then packing them back in the car for a short drive to a second destination (an op shop local to where we’d had brekkie with my friend). When I got there, I just couldn’t get them out of the car again, this time on my own, so went home. May seem silly to some, but for me, when they are out of boosters and doing their own seat belts… oh what joy!
I am on a commenting roll today! I have been thinking about this and the ’simplify’ motto, one thing that has really simplified our lives is only having one car. I live in a neighbourhood where I can walk to most things – a supermarket, library, community playgroup, cafes, village shops. I have a double mountain buggy that stores everything I need underneath it, and if I can’t walk to it, I can’t go! On the odd time I need a car I can drop hubby at work or he gets a lift, but it has cut out so many ‘important’ things that I used to think I ‘had to do’. Walking is much slower, but much calmer and easier than driving … and better for the environment, the wallet and for building community. When Munchkin starts school we will be able to walk there too … and I can really see this will make life simpler because it just cuts out options and lets us focus on what really matters.
I think it gets different .. mine are 6,7 and 11 now and although them being all at school now things have become easier .. things are busier! All three of mine do three activities each, and the older one has just started volunteering at Landcare as well.
So we have Joey Scouts on Mondays, Scouts on Tuesdays, Swimming on Wednesdays (luckily at the moment they all have lessons in the same hour!), Cubs on Thursdays, Guitar lessons on Fridays, Little Athletics & Landcare on Saturdays. Throw into that a camp or two (my older scout attends camp about 2-3 times a term). Then there is homework, reading etc. My boys also for the most get along, but now the squabbling is rougher and louder. Often at the end of the day the older two are screaming at each other, one day we are going to have black eyes I am sure.
The positives, my 11 year old is very responsible so I am able to go grocery shopping without them, he will look after them fine. For the most pat they get themselves breakfast and keep entertained on the one day we have a chance to lie in. They can sleep over at friends houses, and if you time it right all of them are gone on the same night!
I have just got back to work, two weeks ago in fact, after a few years off its been a learning experience, and we are still finding our feet .. but organisation is our key to make it all less stressful! I have a set of 12 large plastic drawers at the front door, the children have 1 set of four each, they are labelled with school, scouts, swimming, athletics etc .. whatever is relevant to that child .. and in it is all the things they need ie/ uniforms, books, charts whatever, even their towels and swimmers go into their swimming drawer, so for any activity they go to their drawer and its there … it has saved us from ‘ muuuum have you seen my goggles/bathers/musicbook/joey uniform/scarf/woggle’ .. LOL
So is it easier/harder? not sure really .. it is different, but I am mighty glad I am over the in and out of car seats thing!
i don’t really know about it getting easier as my kids are still only 3 & 5, but it is nice to be out of nappies & at least one child can get dressed on their own, while our youngest isn’t far off. we still have the pain of getting 2 in & out of carseats, but I rarely use the pram now, so i don’t have to deal with getting that in & out of the car too.
next year i will even get some time when they are both at school (kinder)so i will be able to run some errands kid-free, that will be nice!
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