Child Safety - Remembering That I Am The Adult.
Written on March 14, 2008 – 12:55 pm | by PlanningQueen
THE INTRODUCTION:
On Fridays I review an article or book on child development and reflect on how this information may help me with my current or future parenting.
This week’s post is also an entry into a competition being held by Megan at Imaginif child protection became serious business. Megan’s blog aims to put the issue of child protection in all forms centre stage.
The competition also coincides with Blog Against Sexual Violence Day which is April 3, 2008 and the winner of the competition will be announced then.
THE POST:
With me eldest son only 9, I am still some years away from the world of the the teenager, but some recent well publicised events have made me contemplate what my role will be as parent with my teenage children.
There was of course the infamous “Naughty Corey” party in Melbourne, where police including a police helicopter were needed to control a party which went out of control with 500 gatecrashers. Miranda Devine from the Sydney Morning Herald details a number of these parties turned disasters in her article “Strife of the party: the Corey boy’s legacy”
Teenagers now have access to communication technology which enable such rapid and extensive networking, that even the best planned and supervised party can still end up with hundreds of gatecrashers. And it is not just out of control parties that is a concern for parents but all the side effects that can come from consumption of alcohol like violence, sexual assault, road accidents and serious damage to growing brains.
An opinion piece in The Age the following day, though gave parents more valuable insights as to how they can keep child safety in tact through this adventurous period of a child’s life:
“communication technology, such as the Internet and mobile phones, is breaking down barriers but at the same time blurring boundaries. What were, until recently, adult tools of business are now seen as “essential” children’s toys for recreation and socialising.
These extremely powerful tools can be a threat to the vulnerable — from predators targeting children on the Internet or mobile phones being used to rally scores of young people to “crash” parties of innocent teenagers and parents. The net result of of all this is to remove power from parents.”
This article was written by Dr Simon Crisp who is a clinical adolescent and family psychologist in the faculty of education at Monash University. The article was entitled “Kids party, parents get a hangover” .
Dr Crisp makes it clear that in the parent teenager relationship, the parent must remain the adult player in this relationship and assert the power were appropriate, that comes with this role to ensure child safety.
“Generally, one of the biggest threats to a child’s health and wellbeing is when parents are rendered powerless or ineffective. Developmentally, the lives of teenagers need parents to not just take control at certain times, but have the power to do so.”
When trying to keep the communication channels open I have heard many stories of parents finding their role confusing as they try hard to be a “friend” to their teenager.
Gary Direnfeld a social worker with expertise in child development and parent-child relations, confirms for me what I had suspected:
“It is generally not realistic to be a friend and a parent at the same time. This doesn’t mean parents are not friendly in carrying out their role as parents, but the objective is not to be a friend to their son or daughter. The objective is to have a clear parental boundary and provide the direction, guidance, limits and structure necessary to keep teens on track. The goal is to raise teens into healthy, law abiding, capable and contributing adults with good morals.”
My eldest son’s Montessori teacher once gave me this analogy on setting boundaries. She said that children are like a river. If the banks are too tight, the pressure from the river will force it to burst over the edge. If the banks are too wide, the river keeps stretching and stretching and stretching until it can reach the banks. It seems that this analogy fits not only to preschoolers, but also to teenagers:
“As they grow, young people learn about their new-found power and how to exercise it. It is precisely at this time that the adults in their lives need to hold the upper hand so they can guide them and eventually hand over that power when appropriate. Where children have equal or greater power — perhaps because they are technologically more savvy — then they enter dangerous territory.”
I can imagine and remember from my own teenage years, that playing this parenting role, can make mum and dad very unpopular. But if a teenagers disapproval is the price for child safety, then I think that will be one that I will be prepared to pay.
Have you experienced the wrath of an unhappy teenager whilst ensuring their own safety?
Tags: child safety, parenting
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14 Responses to “Child Safety - Remembering That I Am The Adult.”
By Louise Woods on Mar 14, 2008 | Reply
I felt compelled to write a comment on this article as its main message is so fundemental the safety of our kids. I’m no authority on teenagers (except having been one myself) as my kids are under 6, but as the post highlights, bounderies are necessary at any age.
I read somewhere recently that one should be a responsible parent not a good parent, meaning, do what you think is right for your child, not what your child thinks is good for them!
I’m an avid fan of your web site, thanks for providing so many realistic, sensible, tangible hints for us busy parents. keep them coming!
By ickle Kids on Mar 15, 2008 | Reply
Although I don’t have teenagers, I find this issue of child safety a very scary one for preschoolers.
As a mum of 2 boys aged 5 and under - I do set boundaries for my boys as they certainly need it. My thinking is, the earlier they are taught what is acceptable and what is not, the better it is. I just hope to get the balance of my “river banks” right - not too high or too wide! I love the analogy!
I am also trying to teach and remind my eldest son about several things to do with child safety:
* The private parts of his body that only he can touch. This has been the toughest issue for me to discuss with him, but I think its essential for him to know about this without going into too much detail.
* What to do when you he gets lost. Who he should approach i.e. a person behind a counter in a shop, a security guard, a family etc. We’ve been out and I’ve asked him “if you got lost now, who would you ask for help?”. He would then point out certain people and we would just reinforce who he could go to and where the best place was to get help from.
* Following on from the previous point … “stranger danger” is a tough one also! Again we go through scenarios - that he can say hello to people when Mummy and Daddy are around, if he got lost - he could speak to the “right” people, if someone was to offer him sweets to follow them somewhere … not to, scream and run away to someone “safe”.
As I’m typing this, I’m thinking to myself, am I introducing these issues to my son too early? But then the thought of “I’d rather be safe than sorry” entered my head.
By Belinda on Mar 15, 2008 | Reply
Your blog reminds me of the ‘mean mum’s’ poem (as follows). Thanks for the intelligent, researched and considered thoughts. Its wonderful to read ideas and information from a parent who not only respects her kids but also respects parenting!! Keep up the wonderful job!!
My Mean Mum
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate lollies for breakfast , we had to have cereal, eggs and toast.
When others had a soft drink and cake for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.
And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.
Mum insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You’d think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less. We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do. She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough! Mum wouldn’t let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other’s property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.
Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults. We are doing out best to be mean parents just like mum was. I think that is what’s wrong with the world today. It just doesn’t have enough mean mums!
By Megan from Imaginif on Mar 15, 2008 | Reply
Planning Queen you are our first entry and you have already attracted not only three, but EXELLENT comments. Good luck - I’ll keep an eye on the comments.
Ickle - it is never too early to introduce personal safety to your kids. If you want some really easy play ideas go to the resource section on my site and download yourself “Parent Sense” (It is in the BITSS of Protective Behaviours section). It is a protective play tutorial designed for parents like all of us to teach protective behaviours through play and in a non threatening way.
Megan from Imaginif’s last blog post..Pornography cops remuneration while suspended
By Bettina on Mar 15, 2008 | Reply
Great article. All too often I think parents get caught up in wanting to be popular with their teenagers & their friends. Being a popular parent might earn you brownie points, but it doesn’t ensure that you child grows up knowing boundaries or with morals or safe. We see it played out in the media time and time again where parents indulge their teenage children only to have them end up in an out of control situation.
Me, I’m a mean mum. And proud of it.
Bettina’s last blog post..Smiley Saturday
By PlanningQueen on Mar 16, 2008 | Reply
Thank you for all the considered and thought provoking feedback. It is quite comforting to know that I am not the only “mean mum” and that other parents also value highly the safety of their children.
Megan, thanks for directing us to the Parent Sense download. I am going to make time over the holidays to go through it.
By Lars on Mar 16, 2008 | Reply
The sentiment in this site is spot on. In particular the analogy to parenting as a river. Bring the banks in and the child moves fast (probably too fast), give them some breadth and the pace is slow and without direction.
When I look at my parenting style over this last weekend, this analogy hits the mark. The river was set too wide and very little achieved. At times when I narrowed it I did so very quickly. The children weren’t ready for it.
I would be interested in any follow up ideas about how to move the banks gradually.
By Cath on Mar 18, 2008 | Reply
As the product of a too narrow river - I love this analogy. I managed to survive but I do sometimes wonder how. I’m also some time off having to deal with the teenage years but I do have to work on setting boundaries even for my 2 and 3.5 yr olds. (after years of leaving the boudaries way behind in the dust, I’m finding I have to get to know them again - on the other side of the fence!!)
One of the things I do (which is probably easier now given no one is at school yet) is try to steer clear of the mass market - wiggles, brats, princesses, etc I can’t bubble the kids but I can keep their options open and let them develop interest in things other than what everyone else is doing. Sometimes I feel a bit like a mean mum but I hope this will set the foundations for them to be able to walk their own path and not be suffocated by outside pressures. I’m hoping to build their confidence in their own abilty to keep themselves safe. It’s a long way for us to go but hopefully we can find the balance of awareness of popular culture without having to submit to it and the dangers of wanting to do what everyone else is doing…
As always, thanks for the post and thanks to everyone for their insights. I had a mean mum too but imagine that - she just might have been on the right track…
Cath’s last blog post..Threadery and Stitchiness
By PreSchool Mama on Mar 19, 2008 | Reply
I’ve struggled with the mean mom tag and recently came to the conclusion that i would prefer being a mean mom. I think there is a lot of pressure on parents to be their children’s best friend. I don’t think kids need you to be their best friend, they need you to be their parent.
PreSchool Mama’s last blog post..Get Your Preschooler Thinking With These Problem Solving Activities
By Jane on Mar 21, 2008 | Reply
I already get told I’m mean by Miss7, and just ask her ‘how else do you expect me to have fun?’
Seriously though, I think there are waaayyy to many parents out there who try to be friends with their kids. That’s what they have *friends* for! Sheesh!
Jane’s last blog post..Artist Canvas Keepsake