When trying to reorganise files from back ups onto my new computer, I came across a document that I created a number of years ago which outlines some guiding principles that I had collated. These were principles that I felt should make family life happier and contain less conflict.

It is funny how the timing of things work and I think that I really needed to read this again. I may have veered slightly to the left or right of some of these principles! The important thing also is that although I created this, they are not just for me, they are for a guide for all family members. The relevance to each family member will differ according to their age, but they still need to be incorporated into their behaviour.

(1). Listen attentively to others.

(2). Look for the solution, not the culprit.

(3). Patience - role model the behaviour I want to see.

(4). Be kind to me and consider my own needs.

(5). There are no ‘have tos’ or ‘should’ – I have a choice.

(6). It is ok to say “No”.

(7). There is no need to make comparisons.

(8). Make time for play.

(9). Give the children (ans adults!) some space and independence.

(10). 5:1 ratio of positive to negative comments.

I have also made this into a one page slide in Power Point which I have printed out and stuck on my fridge. I want to have it somewhere highly visible, to remind me and the rest of the family how important it is that we use these guiding principles to help create a happier family.

10 Guiding Principles For A Happy Family

What is a guiding principle that you like your family to live by?

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New term and new timetable. There were just a few minor changes that I needed to make to the Children’s Timetable from Term 2.

I have been creating these timetables for a couple of years now and find them to be very helpful in assisting the children to organise themselves and their belongings for the school day.

I photocopy the document onto A3 sized paper and place it on the wall where it is easy for all children to see.

As with the last timetable, the font I have used in the table, is called Victorian Modern Cursive. This is the style of handwriting taught in primary schools through out Victoria. This may not show up on correctly your computer, but you can download it freely from the Victorian Govt Education website. I like to use this font for the preschoolers and younger school age children, as it helps them become familiar with the way the will need to write the alphabet.

2008 Term 3 Children’s Timetable.

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This is the title of an interview by Andrea Sachs in Time magazine with the author of a new book called A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting. Hara Estroff Marano is the author in question and she is editor-at-large at Psychology Today magazine.

Marano believes firmly that there are now a generation of children that are growing up unable to cope with disappointment and failure.

“these kids lack coping skills because they’ve not been allowed to fully function. They are the products of parental anxiety and all the lumps and bumps have been taken out of life for them, so they have no idea how to manage the normal vicissitudes of life.”

Marano’s voice is adding to a number of social commentators who all have concerns over the resilience of the current and coming generations.

In the interview Sachs asks Marano about the importance of play and how it is currently valued by society and I thought her answer was impressive:

“Play builds brains and gives children the ability to impose self-control and creates within brain circuitry the ability to pay attention. When you look at kids playing, adults see it as a waste of time. They have no clue what play does. Vigorous social play stimulates the growth of brain cells in the executive portion of the brain in the frontal cortex, and that lays the foundation for the circuitry of self-regulation, which is what you need to pay attention when you’re at school.”

The more I read about modern parenting, the more I see “experts” encouraging parents with what seems to be a back to basics approach. Such an approach was articulated in the advice that Marano gives in her last answer in her interview with Sachs:

“One, back off and give kids some credit and some leeway to demonstrate their competence. Two, let kids play freely without monitoring. Three, eat dinner together at least five nights a week: aside from the sense of cohesiveness, it gives all that security that is the breeding ground for success. No matter where you are on the socioeconomic spectrum, it is more correlated with school adjustment and achievement than any other single thing that parents can do.”

So is this approach the new “fad” in parenting or are we just seeing a correction back from parenting that went to the extreme?

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This was the title of a talk that I went to Thursday evening at my children’s school. It was presented by Associate Professor Nicholas Allen from University of Melbourne. He is a clinical psychologist working in the Faculty of Medicine.

I am four or so years of expecting my first adolescent, but I found his talk illuminating and stimulating about the changes my children will go through and what my role needs to be through this challenging time.

To illustrate the challenges that adolescence brings with it, Allen introduced to the audience what he called “The Health Paradox of Adolescence”. During adolescence the body is at its most healthiest and resilient stage in it’s life, yet overall morbidity and mortality rates increase from childhood by over 200%. The primary causes for this are all based around issues of control of their behaviour and emotions (suicide, depression, violence, alcohol abuse etc).

Professor Allen listed the what we could expect in typical behaviour changes of our adolescents as follows:

Experimenting with development of their “own” identity.

Greater testing of rules and limits.

Increased focus on body image, appearance and clothes.

Increased concern on themselves, alternating between high expectations and poor self esteem.

Increased moodiness and spending time in their room.

Increased attention to and influence by friends.

Decreased amount of affection shown towards parents, including rudeness and irritability.

Elevated agitation because of increased difficulty in school work and friendships.

Realisation that parents are not perfect and identification of their faults.

Although this does sound all quite negative, Allen spoke positively of the reasons why this occurred and how it is a natural part of the maturation process into adulthood.

Allen then had this advice for what families could do:

Be supportive and consistent.
Allen noted that the main predictor of the successful transition through this period was whether the home environment provided conflict or warmth. Those adolescents coming from warm home environments do much better than those with conflict.

Parents still need to help teens make decisions, but in a different way.
Moving from a more directional style of parenting to more collaboration and advisory capacity.

Be honest and direct about difficult issues. (Alcohol, drugs, smoking, sex, depression, suicide)

Promote family time.

Get to know your teens friends. Insist if you have to.

Most importantly, develop a relationship that promotes your teenagers talking to you.

Sometimes, acceptance is more important than providing direction.

Pick your battles.

I found these practical steps very a great guide future navigation of the turbulent waters of adolescence, but it was his last slide that I want to make sure that I remember:

Remember to ENJOY your adolescent.

Allen noted that adolescents can remind parents that there is new things to explore, some risks to be taken and that life doesn’t have to be the same all the time. So this period provides opportunities to find some new things to do together with your adolescent.

Allen then went on further after this to talk about a characteristic of families that I very much needed to reminded of:

A happy family will have a 5:1 ratio of positive statements to negative statements.

My contribution to this ratio needs to be improved at the moment. I remember hearing about this ratio a few years ago and trying to work with it, but have definitely fallen short with it of late. The great thing about this ratio when it is put into practice, is that it means when that one negative statement is said, it has much greater impact because it is less frequent. It is far easier to ignore the “you need to do this” or “stop doing that” if there has been a constant flow of them.

I can also see how creating the positive family base with the positive statement ratio, will be incredibly helpful when we hit the challenging period of adolescence.

Professor Allen took many questions and answered them with both theory and practical solutions. I very much appreciated him taking the time out to speak at the school and am sure that I will be re-reading this post in a few years time, looking for tips on how to deal with my gorgeous adolescent!

Have you experienced adolescence yet in your house and if so, is it as tricky as it sounds?

Technorati Tags: adolescence, children, independence, parenting

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