I came across the following tip in a newsletter that I subscribe to. The newsletter is written by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller and you can find a copy of it here.

Teacher Talk Tip

Change your words and you change your thoughts and perceptions. Change your thoughts and perceptions and you change your beliefs. Change your beliefs and you change your behaviors. Change your behaviors and you change the reaction you invite.

Possible words to change

Mistake…………………………………………………..Learning opportunity

Detention……………………………………………….Responsibility room

Problem solving…..………………….……………Solution seeking

Field Trip………………………………………………..Adventure in learning

Study………………………………………………………Growing your mind

Rules……………………………………………………….Healthy limits

Consequences…………………………………………Outcomes

This is taken from Teacher Talk: What It Really Means by Chick Moorman and although it is aimed at teachers, as a parent there is a lot that I can take from this approach.

The words on the right hand side do more accurately describe quite often what I am trying to communicate to my children. For example I do use the word consequences a bit and it does have a much greater intonation of “punishment”, when really I just need them to know that what happens next will be a direct OUTCOME of their behaviour. Even in my own mind these words bring up different images, so I am sure they would for my children.

The book itself also makes great suggestions on how to communicate openly and honestly with children. He looks at traditional techniques for managing children’s behaviour like highlighting children who are behaving well and explains:

“I like the way Linda is sitting” is not honest, direct communication. In fact the message is not even intended for Linda. It is intended for everyone else. Linda is being used to manipulate other students into behaving in a similar way. When you do this, you model indirect communication and manipulation.

I needed to refresh myself on how important my choice of words are when I am communicating with my kids. Sometimes I fall into the trap of blurting out what I am feeling instantly. Just like I would if I were talking to an adult, I think I need to pause for a few moments (and allow the intensity of the situation to dilute slightly!), gather my thoughts then speak.

I need to model this style of communication, because this I would like to show my children how to:

“speak in ways that encourage problem-solving rather than blame and punishment.”

Is this something you try to encourage in your kids? If so, how do you go about it and do the kids take it on board?

Technorati Tags: communication, parenting

• 10 Things I Want My Kids To Know Now….
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Sometimes as a parent we have knowledge that we take for granted. Simple things that we have learnt on our life journey that help give us the directions and cues on how to navigate modern life. As the parent, there are certain things that I would like my children to know now, that can help create a foundation on which they can build a happy and peaceful life:

(1). I love them and always will.
This is not something that I say at predetermined intervals, but something that I make sure I say in a variety of circumstances. I want them to know that even if I am unhappy with their behaviour, I do still love them.

(2). Always try.

There is no failure except in no longer trying. Elbert Hubbard.

In their life they will come across many challenges and unknowns. Although they may be a bit scary they also provide opportunities. I want them to know that I would rather that they try or have a go and will accept the results, rather than never having the courage to try.

(3). They have the right to say no.
From a child safety aspect they need to know that they must say no, when things are making them uncomfortable. Megan from Imaginif child protection became serious business, has a great model on how to teach protective behaviours in children.

Also, although I can often find this infuriating, they need to know that they have the ability to control what happens to them and that they can practice with me by saying no to my requests. I have taught them that saying no is generally not enough on its own. They need to form an argument, suggest a compromise or come up with an alternative solution, if they want to change my mind. This aims to teach them the power of negotiation and that they can resolved issues through talking in the first instance.

(4). Where their food comes from.
Completely different emphasis from the emotional points above, but we have four kids growing up in the city and it is easy for the m to assume that the supermarket will always be stocked with fresh fruit and veg, meat etc. In Australia, due to a combination of factors, but most significantly due to environmental factors the price of food is increasing.

I want my children to understand the food chain, so they can appreciate the impact that they have on the environment and what the flow on effects to food production can be. Knowing where their food comes from can help grow their respect for the environment.

(5). Our quality of life is excellent.
We live in a part of the world where we expect to live beyond the age of 75. We have running water, electricity, security and a free democracy. I want them to know that this is not the case for all children.

“In 2006, for the first time since records have been kept, the number of children dying before their fifth birthday fell below 10 million, to 9.7 million.”

(6). Manners are important.
To let them know that manners are important I need to role model their appropriate use. I need to not interrupt them when they are talking; I need to use please and thank you when I am requesting them to do things; I need to knock before entering their room if the door is closed.

(7). There will be disappointments.
There will be rejection. They will not always win. They may get chosen last on the football team.

I need my children to know that they will face disappointments and it will not always go their own way. But I also need them to know how to cope with this: dwelling on disappointment will not help, learning from the experience will. Looking to blame others is not helpful, talking about how they feel can allow them to express their emotions.

(8). Life is to be enjoyed.
I need them to know that I value laughter and I value happiness. By taking time out to show that I enjoy life, I can encourage them to keep perspective and aim for a balanced life.

(9). Honesty will always be valued.
Even as adults we can make mistakes, but I need my kids to know that it is better to admit a wrong decision or misguided deed than to lie to cover it up. I want them to value honesty and understand its importance.

(10). Respect your body.
The children need to know that they have one body to get them through their life, and that they need to take care and respect it. They need to take responsibility to eat well, exercise and think about the consequences of their actions may have on their body (eg. risk taking behaviour, toxins).

What are the most important things that you want your children to know?

Technorati Tags: children, communication, parenting

• 10 Guiding Principles For A Happy Family
• Tuesdays With Morrie
• How Is Your Well Being?
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In my Internet travels this week, I came across the above title, which I just had to investigate further. This is actually the name of an e-book written by Jim Hancock, which is currently free to download from “the tiny company called me” website .

For those of you who are not familiar an e-book, it is the digital media equivalent to the traditional printed book. It can be read on your PC or as in this case can be printed out from a PDF file if desired. This e-book in question is down loadable in chapters, beginning with the introduction and then a separate chapter for each thing, that as parents we should never say to our kids. They are as follows:

THING 01: Do You Have Your Jacket-Homework-Gym-Bag-Back-Pack-Ticket-Keys?

THING 02: What Were You Thinking!

THING 03: Because I Said So.

THING 04: You Are Such a Pretty Little Thing.

THING 05: I’m Proud of You!

THING 06: You Can Do Anything You Set Your Mind To.

THING 07: Let Me Tell You What Happened Here.

THING 08: That’s Not How You Do It.

THING 09: Don’t Make Me Turn This Car Around

THING 10: I Give Up.

The chapters are on generally over 20 pages and I have yet to read all of them. I went first to the ones which I have to admit, that I do sometimes say to my kids:

THING 04: You Are Such a Pretty Little Thing.
I am not sure if it is because she is the only girl out my four children, or if it is because of her wild curly hair, but I do have a tendency to tell Possum how gorgeous she is quite often. (I think this falls pretty much into the same as category as pretty.) As soon as I read this headline comment in the chapter it, clicked to me as to why I should not say this:

“Thoughtful affirmation is always better than empty praise.”

For a long time I have adhered to the above philosophy, but for some reason, I had not translated it across to me commenting in general on how I think she looks. Instead of saying you look gorgeous, I could tell her something along the lines of “I like the outfit you’ve put together.” Reprogramming myself always takes some time, but I will make a concerted effort to drop this phrase. I do not want Possum to associate her worth to me just on how she looks.

NB. I do also tell the other kids that they are gorgeous, but probably just say it a little more to Possum.

THING 05: I’m Proud of You!
I say it to them, because I am very proud of all of them, but after having a read of this chapter and reflecting on my own feelings on being told this, I can understand why it may not be the most helpful thing to say to a child. Jim Hancock sums it up succinctly by saying:

“I don’t think we should ever give children the impression that making us proud is the point of their lives.”

He follows this with a quote from the poet e.e. cummings:

To be nobody-but-yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

I aim to read more of the chapters over the next couple of weeks. There is some very thought provoking comments within the chapters and if you have ever wondered about what impact you may be leaving on your child, I would encourage you to visit “the tiny company called me” website and have a look at what Jim Hancock has written.

Coming across information like this reminds me that parenting is not unlike a journey. For me this is a point to refuel with some new information and try a new path.

Technorati Tags: communication, parenting

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• He’ll Be Ok: Growing Gorgeous Boys Into Good Men (Part 4)
• He’ll Be Ok: Growing Gorgeous Boys Into Good Men (Part 3)
• 10 Guiding Principles For A Happy Family

• Consistent time for our evening meals.
• Variety in what we eat.
• A healthy and balanced diet.
• Only have to go to the supermarket/market once a week.
• Waste very little food, as it is used within its use by date.
• Less stress as there is no last minute rush to think about what we will eat.

IMPORTANCE OF SHARED MEAL TIME

Technorati Tags: communication, Menu Planning, parenting

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