The previous posts have been:

• Late 2009 – Does It Really Get Harder?????. I contemplate comments from other parents with older kids who suggest that it actually gets harder as the kids get older! Our youngest was 10 months old at this time.
• April 2011 – Easier……for the moment!. Not every individual part was easier, but overall I did feel family life was a little easier. Our youngest was 2 at the time.

Our youngest is now three years old and attends kinder for 2 x 3 hour sessions and 1 x 3 session of occasional care. Our fourth son started school this year, our daughter is in grade 3, our second son is in grade 5 and our eldest is in year 8. And we brought a Whippet puppy into the house in February who is 5 months old.

This year has brought some new challenges for me, but it is certainly easier in many ways than the last couple of years. As I have for the last couple of posts, I will look at key aspects of family life:

Running Errands

This is the area where things have become much easier. With the ages of the kids now, I quite comfortably leave the eldest four together at home and just take the three year old with me to do local errands (like trips to the post office to mail out my book to the lovely people who buy it!).

I have written a post previously on leaving kids alone at home, so won’t go into too much detail here about it, but how long and how far I go depends on who I leave at home, the differing combinations of which kids I leave, the day, the time etc.

Showering

I frequently have showers with no visitors! Not all the time though and it is mainly visitor free on weekends. I do love that on school mornings the bigger kids will try and help the younger ones while I am in the shower first, before they come to me.

We still have a small selection of toys just near our ensuite for the three year old to play with. So if he does come in, he is quite happy to sit and do puzzles quietly.

After School Activities

The after school activities are easier now, for the main reason that I can leave combinations of kids home and don’t have to put all 5 in out of the car for one person’s activity. This is quite a relief.

On times when we have had clashes of times and doubled up activities, the eldest two at different times have been able to walk themselves there or home from training sessions.

I still factor after school activities into our menu planning and will frequently cook the meal earlier in the day – see point below!

Last year I noted that the homework had become harder, well it raised up a notch again this year. With 4 kids at school now, there is quite frequently times when guidance, assistance is needed by all of them. This is a pretty common scenario:

• Prep – needs to have his reading heard and work through his word lists.
• Grade 3 – needs guidance on spelling activities and tested on times tables
• Grade 5 – needs assistance formatting assignment etc on computer
• Year 8 – will want to talk through a plan for an essay (or I want him to take me through his plan for his essay, so he actually writes one!)

Especially for the prep and grade 3 children, there is a window of time when it is best to work with them. By the time Mr I gets home form work that is too late.

I had thought this year with the 3 year old in kinder, I could make that my “work time” and have more nights off the computer. What I found in term 1 though, was I needed to use some of this time to prepare the evening meal and getting organised so I would have time to help everyone after school.

Sleep Deprivation

The kids all sleep really well and it is only the odd occasion that we hear from them during the night. Three out of the five enjoy sleeping in when they get a chance now which is completely wonderful. Our daughter tends to be an early riser regardless of what time she heads to bed.

On the weekends if she is the first up, as the table is all set and ready to go, she will get herself breakfast and then play quietly. All of the kids are very keen on audio books at the moment. We have loaded many onto the iPod, so she will play them through the stereo and draw etc until others wake up on the rare weekend morning that I don’t need to up early. The preschooler will even go straight to her and join in when he wakes up without coming into us!

I still do work quite late sometimes, which does cause me self inflicted sleep deprivation. Working on that one!

Lifting, Carrying, Chasing

I know I carry the three year old too much, so the lifting and carrying is really something I actually need to manage better. This is the first time there hasn’t been another bub coming along to bump the toddler/preschooler off the hip. I am making a conscience effort at the moment to stop picking him up and carrying him because it is quicker!

Over all the physical workload is much less now, but I know I spend more time thinking (worrying) about different aspects of each child. See new section at the end – Mental Workload.

The Squabbling and Fighting

This is similar to last year, the kids do get on quite well, but they still do squabble and they do get physical with each other too. It hasn’t increased in terms of volume, but I think the intensity has increased with some of the fighting.

I can see patterns of behaviour where the older kids have worked out how to wind up a younger child. This drives me crazy as they do it for a reaction, which they generally get and retaliation often occurs. All for no good reason.

We have a new house “provocation rule” to try and temper this behaviour. If one child provokes another deliberately, they have to complete a household chore. It hasn’t eliminated it completely, but what it has done has prevent the instant repeat provocation which was sometimes occurring.

Individual Time With The Kids

The challenge of finding individual time each child is a little harder this year. With our fourth son at school this year, I do find that he is asking for individual time from me more often, mainly because is not getting what he used to when he was at kinder last year. He was at kinder two and a half days a week, which left plenty of time with just him and me when the then toddler had his nap time. We haven’t really found a rhythm for fitting that in and it is something I have to think a bit more about.

We have put a desk in the study where I work for our year 8 son. He will often be working on his homework of an evening when I am blogging. We take turns of who has their music playing and hace some fun chats. This individual time with him has been a positive side effect of having to share my workspace!

Time together and time alone

It is harder for Mr I and myself to find time on our own. Our year 8 son is not in bed until about 9.30pm so finding time to talk on our own can be challenging. The flip side to this is that it is so much easier to get out at night and leave the kids with a babysitter!

I continue to use the early mornings to find some time for myself and go to the gym every weekday morning at 6am. While it does make for an early start, it is a great start to my day and something that I really enjoy.

Mental Workload

As the kids get older they do start to challenge you personally. They see through hypocrisy in an instant, they will debate that black is white, their looks of disappointment and anger will make you second guess yourself and they will at times deceive you.

I also worry about lots of things too. Are they getting the best education they could be? What is the best secondary school for them? Am I too involved? Do I not do enough? Then I remember a post I wrote on choosing a secondary school and I worry am I suffering from middle class “anxiety and aspiration”!

Some days this does make my head hurt, but I still do feel that things are easier than when I wrote the first post back in November 2009 .

How about you? Are things easier or harder for you than a year ago?

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Family Life – New Challenges is a post from: Planning With Kids

Dr Heyworth is a frequent speaker at local and state government child behaviour workshops and regularly holds her own seminars discussing strategies to manage and understand child and adolescent behavioural issues.

Her book, It’s a Jungle—A Parents’ Guide to Emotions and Behaviour is available via the website www.itsajungle.com, or by contacting Dr Heyworth’s office by phone (07) 5476 3477 or email info@itsajungle.com.

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Siblings can be great playmates and have lots of fun but what can we do when the fun turns into fight? In the blink of an eye, someone feels hard done by and it turns into arguments, insults, name calling, screaming or hitting. What went wrong?

The simple answer is that someone crossed a line. Their emotions got big and they entered the jungle. It’s a primitive world which runs on instinct and is there within us all. It’s a place where emotions are overwhelming and instinct says, ‘If in doubt, come out fighting’. The Law of the Jungle says, ‘Whoever Does it Best Wins’, so it’s no wonder that when siblings fight, they try to throw the nastiest insult, shout the loudest or hit the hardest. That’s how the jungle works!

Siblings instinctively know how to fight jungle style, but they need to learn a more civilised approach. We can help them, but first we have to hold ourselves back from crossing that line. Only then can we show them the way back from the wild jungle.

The jungle is a very emotional place. Children enter it when their emotions are bigger than they can handle. Frustration, anger, disappointment, embarrassment, jealousy, guilt and even excitement can tip them into overload, then into the jungle they swing.

When our children fight, it’s natural that we get emotional too; whether it’s frustration at the thought of ‘here we go again,’ or embarrassment, that they’re doing it in the supermarket while everyone is watching. Inside us is that same instinct to ‘Come out Fighting’ and it takes a lot of self control not to step over the line with them. When we lecture, use the guilt trip, shout or smack, we’ve also crossed the line into jungle territory and it doesn’t help them settle. It can even make them fight harder. We have to find a way to stay out of the jungle!

It helps to think like a referee in these situations, because a rule-consequence-fresh start can deal with mistakes and misdeeds both on and off the field. Whenever a rule gets broken, the referee stays calm, stays out of the jungle and follows through with a rule, consequence then ‘fresh start’.

A RULE – needs to be clear and it helps to summarise with four words or less. ‘No Hitting’, ‘No Insults’ and ‘No swearing’ are good examples.

A CONSEQUENCE – needs to be fast and fair. It provides the way to get past the mistake, just like in soccer. When a player touches the ball with their hands, the referee gives the ball to the other team. Then it’s time to get on with the game. There is no requirement for the child to feel sad or sorry or discuss what’s gone wrong. If they break a rule, they get the consequence. It’s not an emotional thing. It’s a matter of fact.

The ‘FRESH START’ – comes at that point when the consequence is done. There’s no need to stand around feeling miserable or even to apologise. It’s over and done. Let’s move on.

At home, the best consequence is TIME and SPACE. This translates into ‘5 minutes-fresh start’. A child over 5 years old has to spend 5 minutes in their bedroom. Then we call out ‘fresh start’, which means it’s over and we’re not going to carry it any further. For children under 5, the time is much shorter and we always follow it with a hug. They have to spend 20-30 seconds at a ‘time spot’ nearby, and then we give them a ‘fresh start hug’.

Of course rules are going to get broken when children play, but the referee can deal with it by applying the rule-consequence-fresh start. The referee never loads emotion onto the situation with a guilt trip or lecture.  Imagine what it would be like if the referee insisted that the game couldn’t continue until the player admitted to everyone what he’d done wrong, gave a sincere apology to all players, then stated how he’d behave better next time!

When dealing with sibling fights, we can be the referee and it doesn’t have to get complicated. They might lie and moan about who started it, but that’s just jungle. It’s important we don’t get caught in this. Whoever broke a rule gets a consequence. If she teased him, she gets a consequence. If he retaliated by hitting her, he gets a consequence.

When brothers play wrestle, it can be hard to tell whether it’s at the level of fun or fight. What’s fun for one may not be fun for the other. We can have a rule which says, ’Enough is Enough’. Anyone can simply say, ‘Enough’, whenever they’re at that point and this has to be respected. If someone keeps going beyond that point, they’ve broken a rule and the referee steps in to send the rule-breaker to 5minutes-fresh start. Once the 5 minutes is done, the referee calls ‘fresh start’. It’s all over and left behind.

Whether for soccer or children’s play, the referee is there to help deal with the situation when rules get broken. If we want the game to run smoothly, we have to remember:

1. Stay out of the jungle
2. Rule-Consequence-Fresh Start.

Thanks to Dr Heyworth for sharing her strategies to deal with sibling fighting. While long time readers of the blog will know that time out is not a strategy I use with my kids, I really like the concept of a “rule, consequence, fresh start”. I will work on adapting the “fresh start” element in our home to something I feel comfortable with. The ability to move on after events is a great life skill for kids to have – the more practice they have at it the better!”

What strategies do you implement when the kids are fighting?

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Kids Fighting – A Referee for the Jungle is a post from: Planning With Kids

Thanks also to Pinky Mackay for taking the time to personally answer these questions and sharing her wisdom – I am most appreciative and hoping it helps with my dilema!

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Respect

I did a baby massage course with her when my twins were tiny and I was struggling. I don’t remember any of the baby massage techniques but I remember so many of Pinky’s words. She saved my sanity, gave me the confidence to keep fighting to breastfeed my twins and supported me in so many ways… made such a difference to us.

I’d ask Pinky how she stays positive and understanding in a world where children and babies are often treated without respect….

katepickle

Hi Kate,

Thanks for your lovely feedback.  I received some fantastic support when my own first child was almost a year old  and knowing how much difference that made for me has coloured my work with mums. At the time I was the only person I knew who was breastfeeding  (I had no clue how to wean anyway). We moved to New Zealand and I went along to a La Leche League group, There I met some very conscious and informed mothers who welcomed me and made me feel so good about myself.

I love seeing mothers regain their confidence to be the mums that THEY want to be. I am so passionate about mums and babies  that  being positive just comes naturally and  I feel  sad  that mums who are doing a wonderful job get a hard time from everyone about choosing to nurture responsively. Baby trainers beware!

Tantrums

Dear Pinky,

My son is 16 months old and learned last week how to throw a tantrum from another kid at playgroup. My mum says I must be firmer with him and that it’s a sign of an unhappy child. Is this true and how should I respond to his new moodiness?

Sara

Sorry but I disagree with your mum.  Your 16 month old would probably have started having tantrums all by himself without learning from anyone else.  At this age the nerves that produce emotions are on line but the nerves that control them aren’t developed until about 3 years.

A tantrum is really just an intense storm of emotions that your littlie can’t control yet, not a sign of unhappiness or naughtiness. It can be helpful to notice what seems to trigger tantrums so you can reduce them  and to get some more information so you know you aren’t failing in any way as a mum – check out the article about taming tantrums  at my website http://www.pinkymckay.com.au/toddler/toddler-articles/taming-tantrums

Single parenting

I would love to ask Pinky how, as a single mum of 3, do I handle sibling rivalry and them fighting over me for attention? There’s only 1 of me and I feel very stressed out and tired at the end of the day

Liz

Firstly, please be kind to yourself – you are doing an awesome job coping with three kids all by yourself.  As a mum of five, I used to find the easiest way to cut myself a bit of slack was to sit on the ‘big bed’ and read stories – a kid either side of me and a baby on my lap.  I also spent a lot of time on the floor doing activities together. You haven’t mentioned the ages of your children but if your separation from your partner is fairly recent they may be seeking reassurance and security from you  and perhaps being a bit more demanding  because of this.

Some other ways of taking the pressure off are : including them in some of your day to day tasks – cooking, tidying, making beds;  going to the park – where they will be distracted and busy; setting up an activity  before you go to bed at night so they can engage in play in the morning  and start the day on a positive note.

It’s also  good to factor in some one on one time that they can count on. They may not eb old enough to understand  taking turns but if you have a friend/ relative/ a local school kid who could come in once a week (with your supervision), you may be able to do an activity with one child at a time and then they would be able to count on that day being consistent.

Parenting toddlers

I would ask Pinky how to make that change from parenting babies to parenting toddlers. I am finding it hard at the moment.

Peta

Yes, parenting  toddlers does require some shifts – you now have a little person who is developing a will, can escape and needs to explore safely.  One tip is to sit down with your partner and explore your ‘parenting toolbox’ – what things you liked about your own childhood, what you have read, been exposed to through friends etc and discuss what sort of parenting is right for you. What are your values? What’s a grey area? What’s not negotiable (eg no smacking)? Then explore options for reading, learning more and getting support.

Playgroups are enormously supportive in that you get to see other parents who have little ones doing all the same ‘uncivilised’ things that your child is doing so you know  there is a range of development and behaviour that’s normal for toddlers.

Skilling up is really important too - I’d suggest reading my book Toddler Tactics and checking out some of the recording packages at my website where I have interviewed early childhood experts on learning and behaviour. I also offer Toddler Tactics seminars (www.pinkymckay.com.au).

Age gap between siblings

I’d like to ask Pinky when is a good time to start trying for a second child in terms of how it will effect the first child and also, what can be done to ensure the 1st child’s wellbeing throughout this adjustment.

 Caitlin

This can be such a personal thing – what support do you have? Do you fall pregnant easily (there is no guarantee it will happen as planned)? What stage of development is your child at? How old are you – is there a time pressure to become pregnant?

I often see parents lulled into  a false sense of security when they have say, a  5 or six month old, they think they have a ‘handle’ on parenting so they get pregnant – then they have a very active toddler who can’t yet speak, may not be able to walk and still has high needs for attention as well as a baby.

Ideally a two to three year gap or longer is better for your first child so he is able to get his early needs met before having to share your attention.  It’s also important to let your own body recover from pregnancy and breastfeeding before conceiving. However, the reality is that babies can come as soon as you start ‘trying’ or you may take longer than you expected to get pregnant.

Whatever the age gap, it’s helpful to bear in mind that your first child will have some adapting to the new family structure so here are a few tips:

Try to see things from your toddler’s point of view and be patient with them when introducing a new bundle of joy to the family. Imagine that your partner has just brought home a new lover and announced that you are all going to live together. It will be fun! You will be best friends! After hearing that your partner loves you and his new lover equally, you are asked to share all your things with this intruder. It also turns out that you won’t be getting as much attention as you used to because the new lover is a bit upset about something. Anyway, you are such a clever person, you can do lots of things by yourself now. Oh, and by the way, you must be gentle with the new lover! Wouldn’t go down too well, would it?

To help smooth the transition, and introduce the idea of having a sibling during pregnancy, use dolls to discuss typical baby behaviour and take your toddler to visit a friend with a baby for a close-up look. After the birth buy a present for the new baby to give to your toddler. In hospital and at home, let your older child help while you feed, change, wash and hold the baby. Set up a corner for feeding times, with special things to occupy your toddler: snacks, drinks, storybooks, a scrapbook and crayons, a CD player with your toddler’s favourite songs. While you’re feeding the baby, tell her (loudly enough to be overheard!) how great it is to have a big brother or sister. When the baby is settled remember that your “Big” kid needs mummy time too and enjoy cuddles and activities without the baby.

Routine

We have a 14 month old son and we currently lead a very transient lifestyle where my husband works between 2 places, week on week off. We accompany him and I just wonder how this lack of routine and consistency might effect my son, and what I can do to lessen the impact.

Renae Foottit

At this age your child’s security is YOU! So by meeting his needs and introducing some familiar rituals – eg around mealtimes, goodbyes, sleep  - you will be creating security and consistency to support your little one wherever you are.   As long as you and your partner are happy with your lifestyle, your child will be too. The bonus is that you will probably have a more flexible child!

Hitting

Hi. I’d love advice on how to help a 16 month old, who spends 3 days a week in day care, past behaviors we don’t want to encourage. Like hitting, screaming/squealing etc to get what he wants.

I’d also love help with helping him to feel more comfortable with others. He loves 2 of his day care girls, but everyone else (including friends on the weekend) he won’t go to without tears.

Ez

Please be gentle on yourself and your little one. Childcare is a huge step for a baby this age without language, mature social skills and an emotional tank that needs to be filled with  love from  his key attachments – you! 

The best way to help your child feel comfortable with others is to help him feel totally secure – from this secure base, he will then venture out in baby steps.  Separation anxiety is a very normal phase at this age so please don’t force other people onto him – that will only make it harder for him and you. He needs to form attachments with others one at a time  so  as you make changes and introduce  other people, remember the mantra, ‘gradually with love’ . If he’s in childcare 3 days already, he really needs you to be present the rest of the time.  Sometimes the clingiest toddlers turn out to be very independent later because we can’t short change them on having their security needs met.

Please see the time spent now as an investment in your child’s attachment to you – this will save a lot of stress later.

Sharing attention

I would ask Pinky how to best divide my attention between my 2 1/2 year old and my 6 month old baby.

Lyndall Crisp

You can really feel torn about this – lots of sitting on the floor or the big bed if you need to deal with two littlies at once – baby lying on the floor watching while you play blocks etc with toddler.  Please see the answers above for managing siblings – and do take time to do a special activity just with your two year old – preferably every day so he can count on ‘mummy and me time’ but also remember, you do need to meet your baby’s needs too.

Toilet training

I would ask Pinky a question on toilet training. Our 3 year old has number ones, completely sorted and doesn’t wear nappies during his day or night sleep. He does however not go to the toilet for bowel movements. He seems completely aware that he is doing it, but won’t go to he toilet. If I spot him and take him to the toilet, he can’t do it and will soil his pants some time after this.

Any tips will be greatly appreciated!

Planning Queen

He may be anxious about sitting on the big toilet long enough to do a poo or he might feel more comfortable pooing in a nappy – after all that’s what he’s always done so far.

If you feel he may be a bit anxious, perhaps try a potty for poos. A bit of bribery might help  too (stars, a fake tattoo or as a last resort, a sweet) and a relaxed attitude will help – take the pressure off for a week.  He really will get there even if it seems unlikely right now – he may just not quite be ready to take this step.

Pinky McKay, International Board certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC), runs a private practice in Melbourne specializing in gentle parenting techniques. A sought after keynote speaker and best-selling author with 4 titles published by Penguin, including Sleeping Like a Baby,  Parenting By Heart, 100 Ways to Calm the Crying and Toddler Tactics she’s an expert source for media appearing regularly on major network TV and quoted in various publications. Pinky’s books, parenting resources and her free newsletter ‘Gentle Beginnings’ can be found on her website www.pinkymckay.com.au

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You wil be able to see Pinky Mackay at The Baby & Toddler Show in Melbourne from 30 March to 1 April (9.30am – 4.00pm). Early Bird tickets are on sale now and can be purchased from The Baby & Toddler Show’s website – $14 (single entry) and $24 (double pass) – only available until midnight 29 March 2012.

As well as featuring Pinky McKay, and parenting psychologist, Angharad Candlin will also be speaking at the show. There will be an Advice Hub with hands-on workshops and a range of childcare and parenting experts, attractions to keep the little ones entertained and new, innovative and unique baby and toddler products.

Highlights include:

• Daily seminars by Pinky McKay and Angharad Candlin.
• This year, in addition to the Fisher-Price Playground and Volvo car stand, there will also be a Woolworths Change Room stocked with complimentary samples, a Bio-Oil Photo Booth, and the Bananas in Pyjamas and New McDonald’s Farm on the Main Stage.

Current Sponsors:

• Bright Star Kids' Name Labels - Super Cute & Durable Name Labels
• 4MyEarth - Lunch that does not cost the earth.

Tips and Advice From Pinky Mackay is a post from: Planning With Kids