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deanna September 07, 2012 at 11:44 am
As a mum of 8 i do not get a lot of sparetime just for me that does not involve my partner or kiddies. Recently i thought that i might start reading a little every day. I forgot how much i had enjoyed this. In turn i have now come to the decision that everyday i am going to write a little bit about the reflections of my days. Call it a type of journal i suppose. I think this would be great instead of my brain going into overdrive having to deal with a lot of other peoples needs. Maybe my new motto will be what is kind for myself will benefit others
Today’s post is from Kirri White. Kirri is a qualified life coach, counsellor and co-creator of the highly successful 30 Day Self-Care Blueprint, an online programme that helps women improve the quality of their lives and celebrate their worth. Kirri also provides inspiration and encouragement on her blog Happy Mums At Home and on facebook.
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Often when we hear the term ‘self-care,’ we envisage freshly manicured nails, deep-tissue massages or a day at the spa.
The term ‘self-care’ might even sound like a bit of a joke – something we used to indulge in ‘pre-kids’, but don’t have time for anymore.
There are things we would love to do for ourselves on a regular basis – books we would like to read, courses we would like to take, activities we were once so passionate about, that have now been buried under a pile of laundry and obligation.
We might think that paying attention to our personal needs is selfish. That taking care of everyone else first and continually putting ourselves last, is the measure of a ‘good mum’.
A lot of us have learnt to ‘soldier-on’ with daily responsibilities for extended periods of time without any kind of physical or mental break, only to find ourselves a short time later – depleted, exhausted and effectively swimming in a pool of overwhelm.
When we continually put ourselves last, our wellbeing suffers, and ironically we may then find ourselves in a position where we are unable to take the best possible care of our families.
Use your values as a compass for self care activities
Knowing your values can provide a great starting point as to what types of self-care practices you are best suited for.
Your values provide insight into who you are, what motivates you and what deters you. An effective self-care plan is one that draws on these individual priorities and passions, and finds ways to honour them:
- Are you craving more fun, or more downtime in your life?
- Are you an introvert with a high need for alone time, or someone who enjoys being surrounded by people?
- If you were to find yourself completely lost in the moment, what activity would you be doing?
With our values in hand, we can quickly identify what’s most important and in what order of priority. This provides clarity to decision-making and confidence as to why they are the right decisions for you.
For example:
- If being sociable is high on your list, then you need to ensure that connecting with friends and family is prioritized on a regular basis.
- If you are someone who places high value on adventure, you may not want to settle for a dinner or movie every date night, but enjoy exploring more creative options!
Scheduling time for your activities
Sometimes we get so caught up in the seriousness and responsibilities of life and work and parenthood; we forget that there is a little kid inside of ourselves that also needs to unleash, play and explore.
We may even take the step of planning a weekend get-away or a coffee date with a friend, but end up shelving these plans, week after week, due to more urgent demands on our time. In these instances, it can be helpful to question whether what comes up is actually more important? Can it wait? Can someone else do it? Can you simplify the second demand on your time and go ahead with your original plan?
Most of us are conscious of the fact that if we don’t schedule it, it doesn’t happen and yet we fail to extend this level of planning and prioritizing to fun, restorative activities.
When we actively schedule self-care into our lives in a similar fashion to meal planning, it eventually becomes a habitual, intuitive process, that soon requires little thought, just action.
How an intentional 5-10 minutes can make all the difference
Following on from the idea of scheduling self-care, is the limiting belief that self-care practices need to be elaborate or time-consuming.
We keep holding out for the occasional day where we are completely kid-free, and then attempt to cram in trips to the gym, the hairdressers and a lunchtime meeting or seminar. By the end of the day, we end up feeling resentful that our ‘free-time’ was not at all relaxing or particularly enjoyable.
With a little foresight, we can draw on a huge list of self-care activities that range from 5 minutes to 30 minutes or an hour. We can then easily slot in a couple of these activities, every day and enjoy the cumulative benefits of consistent self-care practice.
When you sit down to plan the week, or month ahead, look at the days where you can intentionally schedule in time for your needs, thanks to support or extra gaps in your schedule. It might be something as simple as choosing to read a chapter of your book or meditate for 5 minutes in the car, while waiting for school pick up.
Also, look at days where you might need to practice extra self-care by cancelling an appointment or simplifying dinner plans, with pre-made frozen meals, or Take-Away. Learning to say ‘No’ or cutting back on extracurricular activities in order to create some breathing space for yourself, and your family, are also aspects of positive self-care.
Check in with yourself
A successful self-care plan will have you reconnecting with goals you may have put on hold since becoming a parent. It involves evaluating exactly where you are in your life and a possible meshing of our developing identities as mums and as individuals.
The underlying premise of planning self-care into our lives is simple: When we take exceptional care of ourselves, we are far more capable of taking exceptional care of others.
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30 Day Self-Care Blueprint Give Away
Kirri is offering readers of Planning With Kids the chance to win a registration to the 30 Day Self-Care Blueprint. Course registration has started at early bird price of $60 until 6pm September 15th after which it goes up to $97. If you want to register now and save, you can still enter the give away and Kirri will refunded the amount paid if you win! The 30 Day Self Care Blueprint runs for the entire month of October.
To enter the giveaway simply answer the following question in the comments:
What is the one activity you plan to do on a regular basis, to enhance your well-being?
The following conditions apply to this give away:
- The giveaway is open worldwide.
- You may only enter once.
- Entries close at 5pm Tue 11th Sept and will be announced on the blog later that day.
- Winners will be notified by email and if a response isn’t received within 24 hours, another winner will be chosen.
- Good luck!
34 comments...read them below or add one
Thank you for this post. I needed the reminder to take care of myself first. It’s a real battle, and for me, easier said than done. I feel I’ve been getting bogged down with the day to day stuff, so reading this now has been great timing.
The one activity I plan to do for my wellbeing is to run!
Thanks also got the link to Kirri’s blog
> What is the biggest hurdle standing in your way right now? Have a think about it, describe how it feels to you. Then…start thinking about the possible ways that you might move around it… or if that feels too ‘huge’, focus on the way you will feel when you have managed to knock all those stumbling blocks down!
I’m a big fan of Kirri’s blog and the work she does. When I first started my motherhood journey, I thought I had to change a lot of my needs. But soon I discovered that there were some fundamental needs for self-care (ie social interaction, time to write, the need to be mentally stimulated by writing or doing a course) that I had neglected.
I’ve done Kirri’s 30 Day Self-Care Blue Print. I’d recommend it for anyone who’s looking to learning how to look after themselves again.
> Thanks so much for your kind words and support Grace
I identified with so much of this post – coincidently I read it on the way to the art gallery (I am taking time for ME to visit an exhibition today and went through such a dilemma as to wether I should or not- so it’s reinforced that I’ve made the right choice. Sadly the housework will still be there when I return, but I’m sure I’ll have a twinkle in my eye when I do it because I really put myself first today: ) The course looks great.
Ps as an entry to your give away- my activity to engance my well being would be swimming laps. I find it so enjoyable to excercise and be able to allow my mind to wander at the same. Now that Spring is here I plan to get back in the pool pretty soon and this has been a timely reminder. Thanks!
I’m fairly new to this Site but already addicted – this one was a really good quality post. I like you how your general approach is down to earth and focussed on solutiosn not blame.
I’ve recently been putting together (via a free app) a series of personally-tailored Mindfulness Moments using photos, favourite songs or meditations and quotes & notes for myself. I’ve put together several for different situations.
There’s one for ‘Love the Children Extravagantly’ full of my favourite photos of my kids with wordful reminders of how lucky I really am and some chill out electronica music that we always play at bathtime. I tend to use this one before I pick the kids up after paid work and before the onslaught of “other’ work wieghs me down with practicalities and child-wrangling!
There’s another for calming myslef down when the kids are under my feet, the husband is having an absent moment and I’m about to trip over the temper tantrum line. Keeps me – and (therefore) the household on a more even keel
And another for reminding me to do a before bed reivew of the day – do some relaxation, cast my mind over the little acheivements of the day and take 5 mins to just breathe.
I’ve found the combination of personal photos, music and words along with a auto-reminder on my phone means I can actually focus on what’s really important for a moment and give myself a much needed regeneration at various points throughout the day. Its made a big difference to my outlook.
This article resonates with me – gone are the days where women had built-in support networks within the extended family (if those days ever really existed). If we dont look after ourselves – who will?
Hi PWK and Kirri
Great post – it’s so frustrating that we struggle with this from generation to generation. My mother sought balance in her life by joining the gym. My younger siblings would go to the child care at the centre and I would swim laps (I was a teenager by this stage) – so we all got to be social and get out of the house.
My husband and I have recently saved our pennies for a mini-reno ~ we’ve just converted our stand alone garage into a cozy little living space. And it’s not going to be child-friendly. At all. Hurrah.
It’s been officially named ‘The Lady Cave’.
With two young kids, I plan to hang out in there after their bedtime for some ‘me’ time when needed. I also look forward to inviting my friends over for cups of tea, yummy cakes and an uninterrupted conversation conducted at a low volume!
In fact, sitting in silence and solidarity, with a hot cup of tea together sounds like bliss for my friends and I !
> Claire – that’s sounds like the best idea ever! Yay for the lady cave
Having just had some surgery after recovering from a car accident I’ve had time to lay around recuperate and miss my exercise time. My time out prior to this has been dance classes and joining a running group. I really miss being active and can’t wait until I’m better but meanwhile I’m enjoying catching up on some reading and catching up with friends who can visit! Self care is meaning more to me now too, as carer of my daughter, life is much more danding and I need to be there for her on a daily basis. Thanks for awesome post!
Nailing ONE thing down is hard for me. Is it what I miss most about my life before kids? Or is it what I know I should prioritise? I think I know the answers to both those questions but find it hard to shift the guilt of an indulgence vs something that is more important for my health and longevity as a parent!! I think if I had to choose I would go back to yoga, it is both an indulgence and important for my health. Thanks for the post
>I hope you can kick the guilt Cath and focus on the benefits for you AND your family if you were to take up yoga again (or whatever appeals). Prioritising your own wellbeing is not an indulgence. It’s a necessity.
I really needed to read this today. A great reminder.
My one activity would be to go for a run (with a friend if possible). I come home a nicer person and a better wife and mother.
Exercise and some craft time
I plan on using the time in the middle of the day when both kids are napping to enjoy some sunshine and my book with my lunch rather than gulping something down at the bench before racing to get as many chores done as possible
While subscribing to this wonderful PWK blog, and readying Kirri’s information, I really should be more organised and in tune with my own needs, but I’m far from it!
The one activity I would like to do on a regular basis, to enhance my well-being, is to get out in the mornings and run more often, like I used to, before my gorgeous son arrived along with the countless bad nights of sleep (which I now use as an excuse I believe).
I usually catch up on PWK in the evenings when everyone has gone to bed, but this morning i was up early, thanks to one of my early risers so i had a minute with a cup of tea to read this post… and then the day went nuts from there.. teething bub, grumpy toddler, tired kindy boy & me running about doing my best to keep everyone happy.
And all day i kept thinking, ‘what would be that one thing that i would do?’ and after 15 hours of thinking, i can’t get beyond the simple concept of ‘my’ TIME and ‘my’ SPACE.
My well-being would be enhanced by a little dose of time and space – a walk first thing in the morning in the fresh & quiet air, ten minutes sitting in the garden just ‘being’ (and not thinking of what needs to be done or providing entertainment to the noisy ones), or perhaps a short meditation before i go to sleep (again, with a clear mind of the moment, rather than a busy mind).
Whichever it is, the activity would focus on providing me with the important ‘me’ time and ‘me’ space that has been missing from my world this year. And i truly believe that increasing my well being would also benefit those around me too!
thank you for a very thought provoking post!
Catching up with my girlfriends is definitely my favourite self-care activity as I love to be around people – people say I could talk underwater
On my own, a nice hot soak in the tub or painting my nails is a good one for me.
I love your post today. I try to workout for my taking care of self
I endeavor to simply stop running the rat race and take 5 minutes a day to smell the roses! As a stay-at-home-mum, I am constantly fighting the neverending list of to-dos, and catering to everyone else’s needs before mine – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Those precious 5 minutes a day will help to maintain my sanity and remind me that I must look after myself before looking after others.
> That’s the thing about those ‘to do lists’ Leia. We will never get to the end of them! I hope you can begin by slowing down and giving yourself permission to take a moment and a few deep breaths for yourself!
The one thing I would like to do is read for ten minutes without interuption OR guilt !!!
As a mum of 8 i do not get a lot of sparetime just for me that does not involve my partner or kiddies. Recently i thought that i might start reading a little every day. I forgot how much i had enjoyed this. In turn i have now come to the decision that everyday i am going to write a little bit about the reflections of my days. Call it a type of journal i suppose. I think this would be great instead of my brain going into overdrive having to deal with a lot of other peoples needs. Maybe my new motto will be what is kind for myself will benefit others
I so need to do some planning to get some ‘me’ time squeezed in somewhere. With my 2 year old starting the day at 5am most days it is particularly tricky at the moment. Fingers crossed.
I’m getting better at getting ‘me’ time but then I feel like I’m at a loss as to what to actually do with it!! Do I start something, finish something, play something, make something?? Or do I phone a friend on the off chance they are available??!
The one activity I plan to do on a regular basis to enhance my well being is to go out for dinner with some friends child free. To finish one whole conversation instead of having 3 half conversations is wonderful
I currently do bootcamp and run for my self care, however I can become obsessive at one activity which I think then turns it into something else!! I have trouble focusing on one thing at a time and tend to take on many projects at once – under the guise of self care but then they become overwhelming!!
The one thing I want to do (and plan to do) on a regular basis is journal. I have suffererd anxiety and depression for many years and journaling is something that helps me get all the ‘muck’ out of my head!!’
Great blog, thanks for sharing!
Sharon
I can’t wait for the warmer weather to take five minutes here and there just to sit outside in the fresh air with my eyes closed and really imagine I am sunbaking on a beach somewhere. Really visualising it in my mind. Try it when you can, it feels amazing and is so relaxing and energising! Jasmyn x
My activity on a regular basis is to craft and create, anything from sewing a skirt to crochet to cross stitch to making a handmade card. It allows me to have time for creativity which energises me, and being able to give something handmade to someone else, which is very nourishing too. We can learn this from our children, who love to create and make and craft each day!!
Hi PWK & Kirri
Loved the post & good to be reminded that if we look after ourselves first then we are better able to handle looking after our nearest and dearest! I am hoping to get back into sport this Spring as it helps me to give me more energy and at the same time relaxes me – all good for me and the family! So whether its swimming, running or yoga- I am determined to commit 30mins everyday to it:-)
Claire
I’m so glad this post has resonated with many of you and look forward to connecting with the giveaway winner in the near future!
Write a realistic to-do list. I am a list person – I live and breath them, mine and my family’s life runs more smoothly and lists make me happy. I realise this may sound odd to some people!
But it is important that I keep them realistic. That I don’t have 50 tasks to do in one day so that when I don’t ‘cross them off’, I feel like a failure.
So that’s my activity to enhance MY well-being. Write and use to-do list but ensure I keep them workable and realistic.
I plan on meditating. I have learned that I need the space to just ‘stop’.
Meditate
Paint…I’m terrible at it but I love it!