This post on Talking To Boys is part of my 21 Challenge. I am taking The 21 Challenge to raise money to support homeless and at-risk young people in Australia. There are more than 32,000 young people who sleep on our streets every night and I blogging a kids activity daily to raise funds to go to Open Family Australia who support these youths.
My challenge is to blog daily an activity I do each day with my kids, using only things we have at home or use what we have on hand when we are out. You can see all the children’s activities I have posted as part of the 21 Challenge by clicking on the tag 21 Challenge here.
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Today was a busy day, I left the house in the wee hours of the morning and didn’t return home until 9pm. Being a stickler for the rules, I still wanted to do an activity with my kids and what I had planned to do was with a younger child who was asleep.
I asked the 13 year old who was the only one up, what he would like to do and he gave me that look that told me, I really just want to play my computer game. He has one game that he likes to play a lot and I just don’t understand it. I am probably a bit negative about it to be honest as I don’t really like computer games.
I saw this as an opportunity to take a different approach and take an interest in something that he obviously likes a lot. I asked him if I could watch and he could tell me about the game. He took me through the basics of the game, the strategy he had his in his head for this session of play.
I asked him lots of questions, which he answered well, but I still don’t really get it. But I did work out he does put a fair bit of thought into what he was doing.
Then after awhile, I changed my questions to things at school. He gave lengthy responses to many of the questions and I received an insight into some areas of his school life, which I didn’t know much about.
It was quite a lovely conversation and I am comforted to know that he is very happy at school. There were some little things, like coping a bit of flack over his name (he has a gorgeous family name, which is more unusual than most).
Last year he told me he wished he was called Jack or Lachlan, so his name didn’t attract so much attention. I asked him tonight did he really dislike his name so much and he said “Not really. Everyone has something different about them. Mine is just more noticeable.”
Talking to him while he played his computer game, took some of the intensity out of the conversation, as there was not direct eye contact. I think he also really liked that I was showing genuine interest in his game.
It was such a reminder to me to be less judgemental about things he likes but I am not so keen on. A reminder that I don’t always need to comment on things and most importantly a reminder that when talking to boys if you can remove some of the directness of the conversation, they feel more comfortable and can open up quite a bit.
Additional resources:
- Book Review – He’ll Be Ok: Growing Gorgeous Boys Into Good Men – a four part series where I share what I learned from this fantastic book by Celia Lashlie.
How do you find ways to talk to your boys?
If you enjoyed this post, you are welcome to sponsor me in my 21 Challenge. Donations are tax deductible and can be made securely online here. Thanks!
19 comments...read them below or add one
Hi Nic, saw your lovely pic with Ms JG today!
About boys…tonight funnily enough I became engaged in quite a lengthy twitter chat with 3 mums of boys ( and girls) where from the perspective of “been there now” I could offer some advice.
With taking to teens it works in favour of a conversation lasting longer than a shrug or a grunt or a “nothin!” if held side by side. So the car is ideal. In the days before dishwashers so was washing up.
Side by side convos don’t need eye contact & are more likely to continue than ones which start with “sit down here and tell me about X Y or Z”
Warm wishes Denyse
I so agree Denyse. The side by side thing really does work for boys.
What a gorgeous time you must’ve had and i bet he was far more open than he would’ve been if you’d been face-to-face at the dinner table. There’s something far more intimate about being next to someone.
This challenge is fascinating to read about- you are so creative!
Thanks Kate. As hard as I have found posting every day, I have really loved doing more with the older kids. I naturally tend to play with the younger ones, but sort of forget about doing it with the older boys quite so much – I have enjoyed it too.
This is a post that I can really relate to, my oldest boy loves his DSi and often asks me to play along with him, to be honest I am the same, I really have no interest in it and i must admit i often tell him so. His dad is far more into games and they spend alot more time playing it together. i really should make it my mission to show more interest in something that he clearly loves.
As for the name, I can definitely relate to your son!! I have an unnusual name and growing up in a small country town i also copped flack, as an adult however I have grown to love my name and appreciate it’s uniqueness and how much a part of my identity it now is. With time, I hope your son loves his name as much as I love mine.
Nice to know I am not the only mum who finds it hard to take interest in computer games.
I am so happy to hear you love your name now. I have always felt would, so nice to hear it from someone who has had a similar experience.
Nic
If you’re trying to get a teenage boy to talk bee tot start with computer games lol!! Your doing a great job with the challenge!! I’m going to look into the book you recc..sounds really good!
Thank you! It is amazing the difference it made doing something he likes.
Reading this article bought tears to my eyes! You have a very insightful beautiful little person in your 13yr old boy. Where he remarks “everyone has something different about them” so many adults don’t even understand this!!!! He is very insightful, and I would say you are very lucky, but i don’t believe luck had anything to do with it. Obviously your parenting style allows him to think openly & honestly and thoughtfully. So well done on being a very mindful & ‘planned’ parent, a ‘job’ I’m sure is hard work sometimes.
Bree, that is one of the loveliest comments I have read on the blog.
Thanks so much.
Love Nic x
What an insightful lad! I love when they come to that conclusion about what makes us individual. Too bad it took me until much older than that! I hope I can teach Abby to be so accepting
He is Stacey! I am sure with your guidance Abby will be too.
I really enjoyed your post today. There are sometimes such big blessings in our lives. If your younger children were awake, you might not have had an opportunity to have such a lovely talk to your 13 year old. My boy is still little, only 5, but becoming like a real boy already. If I ask him directly about school, he can’t remember what happened. I have to wait until afternoon tea and play around with his teddies and make funny voices and pretend his favourite teddy is talking to him… then he spills the beans about the day. I don’t think that one’s going to work much longer, I’ll have to start talking around the time we do jobs, dishes, packing away…
Thanks for your your blog, I find something I can take away from it, every day.
So true Tanya about taking opportunities, it indeed would have never happened if I had been home earlier and the younger kids were awake.
Appreciate your lovely feedback.
Nic
Great post.
I find that Steve Biddulph’s The New Manhood is a book that is accessible to all parents. I found it to be not so much a parenting book but a book that enlightened me about my father, my husband and my son. Highly recommended to all.
I haven’t read that Sonia – will have to check out the library. Thanks for the recommendation.
On Thursday my hubbie and son came home from soccer training. When I asked my son to go take his shower he surprisingly asked if I could come in a chat with him while he was showering? I couldn’t believe my ears – it was like sound waves made from gold. Like you I am quite purposeful about the time I elk out for him alone and it’s often doing ‘stuff’ he prefers. But it’s obviously paying off. And I love it! Thanks for sharing!
Purposeful is the key isn’t it? Loved hearing your story too, so important to keep boys talking.
Nic
loved this thoughtful and inspiring post