Today’s post is answering a question from a reader. I will note first that I am not a child behaviour specialist. My suggestions come from the reading I have done and the practical experience of being a parent over the last 12 years.
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We are experiencing some unusual difficulties with our four year old. I know the whole ‘focus on the positive & neglect the negative’……but our son has made a complete 360 degree change in behaviour in the last 2 months. He has gone from a compliant, helpful son to some sort of disagreeable, tantrum throwing 2 year old in a four year old body.
He is screaming and throwing tantrums at even the slightest thing, the answer to everything is “no” or “never”, he is wetting through his night nappies, when re – directed he screams in anger and bites, he wont even feed himself dinner most nights a week and cries until one of us does it or he goes without. None of these things he has done before, not even as a two year old!!!!!
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I have written on the blog before about the periods of disequilibrium that children can go through once they reach a half year point (eg, 2.5 years old), and these periods of disequilibrium continue until kids reach around 6 – 7.
The reason I know this is because my gorgeous second son once he reached 2.5 years old, would go through periods where I found him very challenging. It is certainly possible that your child has just reached a period of disequilibrium and you may need to find new strategies to guide his behaviour.
With my second son, I did quite a bit of reading and research to work out ways to deal with and guide his behaviour. There were two books I read that helped me incredibly, Children are People Too by Louise Porter and The Challenging Child by Dr Stanley Greenspan.
Children are People Too by Louise Porter
Louise Porter’s Children are People Too is a book I highly recommend for all parents with young kids. I have writtern about it a number of times on the blog and you can find a broad overview here. Porter has a great PDF you can download freely from her website on Guiding Children’s Behaviour.
I learnt much from this book, but the most practical thing it gave me was an alternative to time out. It gave me an in the moment strategy to deal with his tantrums and anger in a way I was comfortable with, but was also respectful to him. It is the “bring them in close” method which I then went on to use on all subsequent children.
The Challenging Child by Dr Stanley Greenspan
The second book was The Challenging Child by Dr Stanley Greenspan. The book is about understanding, raising, and enjoying the five “difficult” types of children, which he lists as:
- The Highly Sensitive Child
- The Self Absorbed Child
- The Defiant Child
- The Inattentive Child
- The Active/Aggressive Child
I know some readers will have issues with the label of “difficult”child, but if you read the book, you will find that the label is really just a method for parents to better understand and relate to their child, not about pigeon holing them for the rest of their life.
Greenspan helped me to get an better understanding as to why, although parented almost exactly the same as my first child, my second son behaved so very differently:
Why are some children more difficult than others? Our research, as well as research by many others, such as Jean Ayers, T. Berry Brazelton, Sybil Escalona, and Lois Murphy, has shown that children come into this worked with individual differences in physical makeup. Some children, for example, have bodies that just don’t feel comfortable, and so they tend to be fussy, irritable, negative, or withdrawn. Even in the early months of life, we have found, babies can reveal unique traits in specific sensory perceptions and in the workings of their motor systems.
The best practical strategy I took from this book was a technique called floor time. In short it means you allocate some time each day (I think they said an hour but I worked on 30 minutes) each day to your child where you do what ever they want to do play wise (not TV etc). The purpose of this is to open a circle of communication with your child, to connect with them and better understand their behaviour. This PDF attachment gives you more info on Floortime.
When we were going through one of our more particularly challenging times with our son, I used floor time and it really helped me understand what was going on with him and find ways to guide his behaviour when he was very keen on not listening to me and taking me on!
Even now I use my own version of this strategy with the kids. On weekends and across school holidays, I will spend 20 minute blocks with each child on an activity of their choice. For me this is a great way to connect with the kids and also it builds up a bank as well, letting me then find time to do other activities around the house on my own.
Understanding the behaviour
Louise Bates Ames has a whole series of books aimed at different age groups and the challenges they bring. I have only read one of them, but would imagine the other age groups would be just as helpful.
- Your One-Year-Old: The Fun-Loving, Fussy 12-To 24-Month-Old
- Your Two-Year-Old: Terrible or Tender
- Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy
- Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful
- And the series actually continues all the way up to Your Ten- to Fourteen-Year-Old.
They are older books, but they really help you gain a solid understanding of your child’s behaviour for that particular age and stage. As a parent, I have found if I can understand the behaviour, I am in a much better position to handle it. The books also let you consider your child’s behaviour within the realms of normal development.
Discipline and Routine
I have found guiding my kids behaviour is much easier if we have know solid routines for them to follow. All our kids have routines that they follow from the youngest at 2.5 to our oldest at 12 year old. If you are interested in seeing what they look like, I detailed them in a post last year – Children’s Routines.
The word discipline can mean different things to different parents. My view of discipline is along the lines of this quote below from Louise Porter:
Instead of teaching compliance, then, a guidance approach to raising children believes that we must teach them how to be considerate of others -to think about the effects of their actions on others. This comprises(Porter, 2006):
- developing in children a sense of right and wrong so that, even without supervision, they act considerately – not because they might be punished for doing otherwise, but because it is the right thing to do;
- teaching children to manage their emotions so that their outbursts do not disturb those around them but, more importantly, so that they themselves learn to cope with setbacks in life;
- teaching children to cooperate so that all can have their needs met;
- giving children a sense of potency – that is, a sense that they can make a difference to themselves and their world and can act on their values.
Discipline is an integral part of a child’s development and finding your discipline style is important. I often say that “kids can smell indecision” and they seize upon it. Consistent discipline lets kids know what is and isn’t going to tolerating in the family. These previous posts will give you more information on my appraoch to discipline:
How have dealt with challenging behaviour of your children?
33 comments...read them below or add one
I was speaking with our childhealth nurse about the same problem we are having with our 4 year old boy and she advised us that boys get this peak of tesoterone at 4 years old that they dont get again till pubity wich explained our aggressive and contray behavour we are experiencing, good news is it will settle when they get to 5! (if mine makes it {-;)
Steve Bidduplh also talks about this in Raising Boys as well – good point to keep in mind, thanks for adding it to the conversation!
I’m in the midst of reading raising boys. And Delena, you give me hope, my son has recently turned 4, so at least I can assume there is a light at the end of the tunnel! lol.
I am reading this as my just turned 3 year old is sitting a meter away from me in time out. What great timing!
I was very fortunate to go to a Family Day Care training many years ago (probably 13-14 years ago) with Louise Porter where she discussed her book.
I honestly don’t remember much about it now, but do remember that it made a lot of sense.
Think it’s time I found that book again
I have heard Louise Porter talk and thought she was fab. I am still going back to this book, even with my number five toddler!
I was just going to comment but Delena has said all I was going to say! I have two girls but a close friend has a nearly 5 year old boy and she had similar problems. She spoke to her Dr and did some research and its true, boys have a massive surge of testosterone around the age of 4/5 which can definitely have a major effect on their personality and coping abilities. This does calm down and my friend’s son is proof, he is a much calmer and happier little guy now!
Otherwise an awesome resource Nicole, thank you for putting this all together!
The testosterone tip is a great one Sarah, with kids I do find if you know what to expect although never “easy”, it can make it easier.
Oh my goodness – this is such a helpful post and timely post. This SOOOO describes my 4 year old boy. I had a shock this Monday when my usually cheery boy was abducted by aliens and replaced by “NO… NO WAY MUMMY” aggressive, rude, unreasonable monster boy for seemingly no reason. For the first time, the usually successful time out strategy did not work. After the 2nd round of 4 minutes, youngster still pushing the buttons and looking for the 3rd round, I realised I was on a losing streak with the only thing happening was my blood pressure soaring through the roof! Realised I needed new tools for junior man management when all I could think of was that 2pm was a little early for sending him to bed!
We joked about Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde over dinner – we have such fun with our boy, but in seconds it can all turn horribly wrong. I so appreciate the knowledge that this transition is normal… and for some positive suggestions to help us all.
Thanks Maxine. I know when I read some of this info when it was happening in our house for the first time, I did feel overwhelming relief that the behaviour was pretty normal.
Hi. I agree with all the above, wonderful stuff, and don’t know the full content of the letter you got Nic but am assuming the writer has also thought about any other possible reasons for this behaviour change since it is so wide ranging. Is he happy at kinder/with other people? As you know my boy has always been a challenge so I completely get the tantrum stuff I just want to rule out anything else as well…..
Thanks Annie, I did shorten the email and the reader did list some changes around the home that had occurred, so was taking them into consideration (moving house in this case).
Thanks for your article. I have a 4 yr old who has had difficult behaviour from 9 months of age. He was so easy prior to this. We have recently found out he has some special needs, which accounts for some of his behaviour. I have spoken to parenting experts and done parenting courses. Floor time was suggested to me. I tried it and it failed miserably in our house. With four children all under school age and only the baby having a day sleep, any attempt at spending time with one child was sabotaged by the others. Despite explaining to them, setting up things for them to do, they would do all they could to ensure they were not left out. At one stage, I closed the door to play with one child as suggested by an expert, only to have the others screaming and trying to bash it down. While I think it’s a great suggestion in theory, in homes where there are a lot of little children, it doesn’t always work. We were unable to even have one session where I could just play one on one. Maybe it would have worked if I only had two children – I don’t know.
I can understand the complexities of trying to find time with a child one on one. I only ever had three under school age and I used to use evenings some times to try and get time with the little one who needed it. Not perfect as he was tired, but it worked while the others were asleep.
I don’t think you should look at is as failing though, it would be very tough to eek out one on one time. If something causes additional stress to the house, which it sound like this was, then you do have to assess if it is right for your family.
Appreciate you sharing your experience with floor time!
Another useful book is “raising your spirited child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It’s not so much about difficult phases, but for those whose kids are a bit more “full-on” than other kids, and for whom normal routines and disciplines aren’t as effective (for our son, normal time out didn’t even seem to hit the sides!)
It talks about being in tune with how your kid sees the world, rather than trying to always get them to see it your way – a godsend for us, it was really effective.
I have heard of that one Eve, but not read it. It sounds great so thank for adding it to the conversation.
Hi I am no expert just a mum trying to offer advice…I found with my son it was food related and got onto Fed Up by Sue Dengate. I discovered after learning to read labels that he was having MSG in his crackers, colouring in snacks it was endless. Her books also relate to bed wetting and once I stopped giving my son the suggested foods his bed wetting stopped and behaviour mellowed. Maybe another point of view? Good luck
Good points Bernadine and I have been talking about food colouring and Fed up in other posts if people are interested –
http://planningwithkids.com/2011/06/24/food-colouring-survey/
http://planningwithkids.com/2011/08/03/synthetic-food-colouring-we-need-more-info/
Hi Nic,
Just a note on “floortime”… I attended a seminar last year on toddler behaviour. Floortime (or something similar) is now often being used as the first port-of-call for behavioural intervention in preschool-aged children.
Encouraging parents to spend just 5 minutes a day in one-on-one time with their child, engaged in an activity of the child’s choosing has been shown to significantly reduce challanging behaviours! Not sure how old the Stanley Greensapn book is – but sounds like an early insight into what is becoming more widely known now.
Hi Julie – the book was 1995! He also has an excellent book called Playground Politics: The Emotional Development of your School-Aged Child which I loved.
I agree that floor time is a wonderful technique if you are able to do it, however it caused so much stress in our home, that the expert advice was to abandon it. We tried it for a number of weeks and it was distressing for all involved. I do know that it has worked really well for other people and I think it’s worth a try, but it is so difficult for large families with lots of little children.
That is good to hear another perspective mother of 4. Obviously what is considered “best practice” doesn’t work for everyone. I actually have 3 preschoolers myself (and the eldest doesn’t go to school until 2014 probably!), so, although our eldest has special time with her dad and I each evening, and our baby has some time with me during her siblings’ sleep time, I haven’t really been able to work out to have one-on-one time with my son (middle child). He usually has combined “floortime” with his big sister…
I’m interested to see if this will have any ramifications for him down the track, but he is a fairly easygoing child so far!
Have read through this post several times now and have read through the pages you linked to as well.
I am really struggling with my older son who is only 20 months but feel for him because he has had such a rough year with new brother {who was premmie}, staying with in-laws, back home, no longer the “baby”, earthquakes, moving house and a lot of upheaval.
I am stuggling because I have no idea how to redirect his behaviour – he throws things at me and his brother, he bites, he lashes out and scratches yet he is still so young. He is fairly non verbal as well. He also hits his own head against walls and floors or scratches at his own face when frustrated {or wanting attention}
I appreciate the book suggestions and will look into them- hopefully we will find something that works for us.
Did you start the holding method before age 2?
Question for you: How did you work this in with your husband and father of the kids? I think consistancy is important and no doubt you agree so did he also read the books or did you discuss how you wanted to do things together?
I haven’t really used this on an under 2 year old, but think you could so. Porter says in her introduction on “Bringing them in close” -
“When babies get upset, we bring them in close to us and soothe them. But often our first impulse with older children is to send them away to sort themselves out alone. That, to my mind, is unfair and is to big a task for young children, (It’s even too big a task for many adults.)
So, instead of sending them away from you, the most successful approach that I’ve ever come across is to bring upset children in close.”
Porter deems kids having tantrums as a pattern of behaviour when kids emotions are overwhelming them.
As for how did I work it with my husband – he has only read one parenting book. The rest I give him a digest, show him what we need to do and get him on board. Sometimes he asks lots of questions and I have to really work hard to get him to take on the strategy. Bringing them in close was one like that, but once we were both doing it for a while, he could see it worked and has been happy to use this strategy ever since.
Thanks for your response!
I tried to get the book on amazon and amazon.co.jp and the book depository with no luck so will order from her site and send it to my mum in Australia and hope she can send it on to me.
My husband and I talked some more about this last night- in fact he bought his first ever parenting book home {in Japanese}- so very timely! We want to work out an approach together and be consistent so that is our plan over the next couple of weeks.
This is such a fantastic resource Nic. I love how what you’ve written has such practical advice instead of just being ideals and discipline in the abstract!
I used to hold Riley through tantrums and at some point (probably when the behaviour calmed down) I just kind of stopped and now that her behaviour has escalated again I’ve felt a bit lost as to how to handle it. This has been a fantastic reminder of what I know works with her and combining that with some concentrated one-on-one time as well.
Thank you for this post, Nicole! I am having a terrible time with my 3.5 year old. Will be doing some reading over the weekend me thinks x
Fantastic post Nicole, I’ve been a fan of “Children are People Too” for a few years now, but it is great to have the research and your experience so concisely presented. I appreciate the time this post would have taken you to put together. Thanks!
love what you have shared here…i think children are people too is a fantastic book…if only I could get hubby to actually pick it up, just the title made me start thinking differently about my children. Will have to chase up Dr Greenspan’s book. Love the idea of floortime…right now if I leave the youngest two to their own devices for much longer than 5 minutes things decend into chaos so it is certainly making getting any of the daily jobs done pretty difficult! Tatum xx
Great post!! Can’t wait to check out all these resources and perfect timing.
We are going through the disequilibrium at the moment and I’ve no idea what to do. I definitely spend a lot of floor time getting to understand her but need a lot more help. Actually when you said an hour I thought of how maybe I am doing too much and felt relieved that I no longer have to feel guilty if I can’t get more than an hour in.
I think as we have a bubs due any day now this could be a cause of her behaviour so I try to talk to her about it as much as possible and include her.
Thanks so much Nic
It all makes sense now! Thank you so much Nicole. Will look out for Kids are People Too. Raising your Spirited Child has gotten me so far, but it seems I need more ammunition (before I totally destroy a divine, but very spirited, 5yo munchkin!)
Thank you for the post and all the comments. I too am having difficulties with my 4 yr old son hitting our 10 month old. He will also hit his friends or even strangers who have done nothing to provoke him. I am so emotionally exhausted from it all that often find myself crying about it. My friends children that we socialise with are always well behaved and never hit out so it just adds to the stress of it all and wish that there was some sort of support group locally for parents having to deal with this so I didn’t feel so alone in it. I found a wonderful website Aha!Parenting run by psychologist Dr Laura Markham and her strategies are very similar to what you have suggested. Am perservering with these strategies but just do not see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment but comforting to know other parents are experiencing this difficult behaviour.
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