“The Rise Of The Dummy Mummies” – this was the title of an article in the Sunday Life Magazine from The Sunday Age on April 19, 2009. With a title like that I had to check it out. A quick Google search found that this was actually an extract from an original article published by the UK Guardian under the following title and by line:
While I appreciate diversity and respect the right of women to choose to have children or not, I found this article by Rachel Cooke quite offensive. I will quote a few sentences that I had most trouble with:
Once upon a time, educated women fought to separate their identities from the ideal of mother, knowing that until the two came to be seen as wholly distinct they would never be taken seriously; and, in any case, who wants to be defined by only one aspect of their life?
Nor am I going to list the ways that childless women sometimes carry an extra burden of work in the office compared to their colleagues who are mothers because my own strongly-felt feminism means that I will always believe in maternity rights, flexible working and all the rest of it, even though I am unlikely ever to benefit from these things (pious, eh? – and get this: I used to be a school governor, too).
No, all I want to say here, really, is that all this droning on about baby and toddler world is not, in the long run, doing any of us any good. For me, and many other women, it’s boring and selfish, and it implicitly casts judgment on the way we choose to live our lives. For men, it just confirms what many of them secretly think, which is that women, bottom line, are only really interested in one thing, and that is making babies, and why should they be promoted or taken seriously or paid well?
Rachel Cooke’s main issue is with women who she believes can only talk about their children. Is there not people who all they can talk about is their work or their sport etc? Any conversation that is dominated by the interest of one person is not going to be an enjoyable conversation for both parties.
At a party or function is it not commonplace to ask of an acquaintance “How’s work?” Does not the “work” of a mother involve her children?
I find it disappointing the way that women can attack each other in the media like this. There is still a distance to be traveled before women can achieve equality in all areas. What is needed is appreciation of the right for women to choose the lifestyle they wish to lead, and appreciation of the diversity that will come from this choice.
I did however ask myself the question “Am I being too sensitive about this?”. As I am a stay at home mum, who blogs about kids, has this just touched a raw nerve? I don’t think so.
What do you think? Is this article offensive or does it have a point?
{ 11 comments }
I find it bizarre that I’m expected not to ‘bore’ people with information about my child when, like you say, he is my job. My more-than-full-time job! I mean excuse me for wanting to discuss aspects of my life – which is essentially what everybody does.
However I’m not sure I fully grasped this concept before I had a child.
My friend’s midwife told her being a mother is the most important job in the world. And I have to agree. What’s more important than raising the next generation to be healthy in body and mind? Hooray for feminism in giving women choices. But now there is a strong expectation on women to go back to work and hand over care of their child to someone else. Whether they want to or not. A lot of the mums I know don’t want to go back to work but feel financially or socially obliged.
And like you say, articles like this don’t help at all. She is also overlooking the fact that many employers consider working mums to be an asset as they work every minute they are in the office (or wherever they work) to compensate for leaving on time.
I, too, read that particular extract in the weekend paper. I believe it was only written to be controversial and to generate lots of debate. The views expressed were extreme, so say the least. It’s a pity it was written by a woman as an attack on other women.
This isn’t an uncommon attitude to encounter among professional women who don’t have children, unfortunately. I have come across it in my workplace. Although I work from home with my children with me, when I am required to attend the office for meetings on occasion, it is without fail the young to middle-aged female co-workers with no children who are the least willing to be flexible about timing and most visibly and vocally put out if, on very rare occasions, I end up needing to bring one or more of the girls with me (despite then being extremely well-behaved in the office, and this occurring perhaps twice a year at most).
Interestingly, I have found the best understanding and response from other working parents of both genders (naturally!) and also middle-aged and older men, whether they have children or not.
Kathys last blog post..Strange Fruit
I actually can see Rachels point. But she is generalizing and not all mothers are like this. But wow, I’ve met the ones that are. They have a superiority complex and look down on anyone that hasn’t had a child. Yes being a mother is the toughest job in the world and one of the most important (I’m a mother myself!) but at the same time, I don’t feel it needs to be shoved down peoples throats. So while I think the article was a bit OTT, I can see where she’s coming from!
Keelie – Raising the next generation is very important!
sparklygreenknickers – I think you are probably right that it was written with the intention to provoke.
Kathy – A little bit of tolerance can go a long way!
Kyla – I think if anyone is opinionated on a given issue and dominates conversation with this topic it can be hard to take. Pushing agendas onto others can be hard to take.
I read the article too, and was slightly offended. It’s a little narrow minded. I must say.
But also it gave me a little reality check. I might love and be obsessed by this new life as a Mumma but I shouldn’t expect everyone else to be engrossed by it too.
I am quite concious not to talk too much about my daughter and being a Mum… just like I’m always concious not to talk too much about myself.
Each to their own, I guess. x
fatmumslims last blog post..Yay Factor.
Hmmm, I used to be a working Mum and now I’m a stay at home mum. I’d say it’s a pretty important aspect of my life and like every other person in the universe, when we talk, we discuss our life experiences.
I respect women who work, I respect women who don’t. women with children and women who choose never to procreate.
I don’t think you are being oversensitive. Shouldn’t women support women, no matter what?
Why be offensive to mothers, who already feel inadequate and boring alot of the time, because they do stay at home? If there are mothers out there who look down their noses at women who have chosen not to have children, perhaps it is because they have been made to feel inferior for such a long time, this is a way of gaining some ground, perhaps make them feel that they have equal footing. It’s like the bully being bullied by the victim, don’t you think?
tiffs last blog post..The circus.
I kind of take thes opinion pieces as just that.. someone’s opinion. Designed to get a rise out of people and make money for the paper. In my min I just chalk her down as ‘not the kind of person I’d choose to socialise with’…
And I do wonder.. all this talk about the equality of women and SAHMs etc etc… I wonder when we talk about the equality of work. When will society value the work of parents (mothers or fathers) raising children, the next generation, as much as they value people making money??
katefs last blog post..Windows and Toilets and Doors… Oh My!
I wrote to The Age in response to this article. My letter was published in the Sunday Age under the title of ‘Dummy Spit’- yeah I almost laughed. Below is the unedited letter I wrote.
…
Dear Rachel,
I got around to reading the Sunday papers tonight it was while I was watching Boston Legal – yes us “dummy mummies” are often a tad behind due to having family time.
Anyway, I was blown away by your article, for so many reasons. I won’t list them all as some I’m slightly unable to articulate other than ‘aaarrrrrgggghhhhh and ggrrrrrrrr!!!!’ Good for you for not wanting kids and at 39, it’s probably a good thing you’re clear on what you want. But why write an article about mothers who love what they do, when you’re on the other side of the fence, with no intention to cross it. If it’s your way of telling your mum and dad you’re not having kids, maybe you should have called rather than put it in print, with a rather large title that grabs attention and does nothing else but insult women. (Big yay for sisterhood there!)
I would rather that women are interested (or “obsessed” as you put it) in their own flesh and blood, their little beautiful creations, than not care and be happy to put their children aside to continue on their own selfish path through life. We are now more open with our communication, language and lifestyles and with most aspects of our lives; so if women want to talk about something that you don’t like, maybe you need to excuse yourself politely from the circumstance instead of storing it up as ammunition for your writing.
What is wrong for identifying yourself first and foremost as a mother? Is it less than being a lawyer/doctor/teacher? No, it’s the hardest job in the world and bully for someone if they are proud of it. It’s the equivalent of bragging about your job- apart from its usually unpaid work, lasts longer than any career and means so much more. The Sunday Life and other Fairfax publications gives multi-page spreads to fashion, celebs and other fairly meaningless events, so why are you shunning mothers? Seems a bit mean and bitter to me.
Good for you for loving your nieces, but until the shoe is on the other foot you will never get why all these women are banging on.
fatmumslim – It is important that when conversing that you don’t dominate it with talk of what only interests you.
Tiff – I agree – women should support women!
katef – I too think it is was written to generate a response!!
Anthea – thanks for sharing your letter and I agree that there is nothing wrong in identifying yourself first and foremost as a mother.
What rot. I’ve been a “career minded” woman, right up to the time I backflipped and decided to had kids. After I came back from mat leave, I did 5 days work in 3 days, never took sick leave, and worked damn damn hard. I was flabbergasted at the “career orientated” employees, who attended 7-7 (always looks good on the email timestamp) but spent much of that time FBing, organising their social life, insisting on discussing things “over coffee”, and called long pointless meetings. Very much an example of the “work expands to fill the time allocated” theory.
I found I was so used to treating time as precious, (learned from having to complete everything in the minutes the kids were asleep) that I was a much more productive employee. I was also constantly pissed at anyone who tried to waste my productive work time with long meetings, pointless conference calls, or coffee meetings!
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