If you have read even a little bit on this blog, you would would most likely know these two facts about me: I love my children and I take my parenting seriously. For all the love, fun and joy it gives me, I believe that it also gives me great responsibilities.
I was reading an edited extract of a new book by Carl Honore called Under Pressure and it has caused me to look closely at how I parent.
The book is about:
“how childhood has been hijacked by adults in a way never seen before in history and investigates how the natural instinct to want our children to have the best of everything and be the best at everything is backfiring on kids, parents and society as a whole.”
Honore states that the :
“aim in the book is not to blame or demonize parents. It is to make us all feel less guilty and insecure about our children, and to show how parenting less hard can actually help them to thrive even more.”
The extract gave me a lot to think about. Since I read The Hurried Child
But Under Pressure is talking about more than this. It is talking about hyper parenting or helicopter parenting. It is a parenting style where wanting the best for children and therefore monitoring the children so closely, that it is difficult for the children to be independent of the parent.
This is not the parenting style that I wish to have, but when I looked at how I approached my eldest son’s homework last night, I have to wonder how close to this line I am sometimes.
In direct opposition to this though, I also worry about whether I am doing enough? I know I am not supposed to compare, but when you hear that this child is taking this class and that child is doing this extension program, I worry that I lam etting my children fall behind by not enrolling them in such classes.
Then I read an extract like this and I return to my senses. I remember that children need time to play, time to investigate, time to explore and time to be a child. Honore urges readers to
“to ease off, trust their instincts and find the natural balance between doing too much and too little for children. “
What is at risk from over parenting? Creating kids who can’t stand on their own. They don’t know how to make sound decisions and they aren’t equipped to deal with failure and frustration.
Honore also points out that unfortunately more children are likely to suffer from under parenting:
“You don’t find many children being project managed in the refugee camps of Sudan or the shanty towns of Latin America….Let’s be honest: most helicopter parents hail from the middle classes.”
Honore himself admits getting caught up into the frenzy himself, but thankfully not permanently and he used the experience as a spring board to write this book and remind parents like me that children need some room to grow to their potential.
I look forward to reading the full story in Under Pressure and am first on the waiting list at our local library when the order for the book comes in!
CREDIT: Thanks to my friend Belinda who pointed this book extract out to me and who thought I might like to “blog about it”. She was right!
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I have a tendency to get anal about achievement levels, but I’ve been getting better about curbing those. I try to see it this way - I’d rather have a child who’s just about average in everything he does, and goes on to have a happy life, than a child who’s an overachieving champ, and spends the rest of his life on a shrink’s couch.
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By PreSchool Mama on 05.16.08 6:55 am | Permalink
I saw this excerpt, too, and am so glad to see you blogged about it! I have been thinking a great deal about this issue lately; I live in a suburb where I am surrounded by over-parenting and it drives me crazy! I think it is such an important issue. I remember reading something recently about families, and a woman, who was from a large family, said “the best thing Mum and Dad did for us when we were kids was to leave us alone”. It is so important to give kids time to just be - and to play, potter about. I know people who are quite literally never home, always on the run from this activity or social committment to that, and their households and toys sit dormant… One of my greatest joys is watching my two girls (either separately or together) playing, or pottering in the garden. I rarely get involved or intervene; there’s a time and a place for parental involvement and it sure doesn’t have to be all the time! My children only do 1 extracurricular activity per term, as well. Anyway, that is just my 2 cents - this is a topic I am quite passionate about…
By Lisa on 05.16.08 9:40 am | Permalink
I think we all worry that we aren’t cutting the mustard as parents.
and I sometimes think too that we put an extraordinary amount of pressure on ourselves to help our children be good at EVERYTHING. We naturally desire for our children to be talented and I think, that all to often we are so busy cramming everything in to give them “opportunities” that we miss seeing their natural bents. We aim to help them to be good at a little of everything and somehow their natural talents get lost in the process.
Bettinas last blog post..Enter Stage Right.
By Bettina on 05.16.08 9:47 am | Permalink
This is such a difficult area and one I struggle with. Like you say, we don’t want our kids to be left behind “the pack” but on the other hand the child needs to be able to be a kid. They need to be able to develop as an individual and learn the consequences of their actions (good or bad). As parents we need some time too, instead of spending every possible moment monitoring, taxiing and “expanding” our kids horizons.
Another consequence of helicopter parenting that I am hearing a lot more frequently (especially from older people) is that kids are growing up thinking everyone owes them something. They don’t know how to share or give because they have their own of everything as they’re growing up. Their parents have been so busy giving them the best that they can, that the kids are becoming egocentric adults.
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By Journeyer on 05.16.08 10:17 am | Permalink
Preschool Mama - Great point. Happiness for a child should not be understated.
Lisa - Thanks for your 2 cents worth.:) I can really relate to what you are saying. I have to say that with 4 kids, I sometimes admonish my guilt about not spending enough individual time with them, by telling myself that they need time to themselves!!
Bettina - Very true. Achieving the balance can be a delicate operation.
Journeyer - I have read this too. I have also read that after university some children start to drift as they aim to reclaim their lost childhood and spend time just doing “stuff”.
By PlanningQueen on 05.16.08 1:11 pm | Permalink
Oh this sounds like a really interesting book!
I am a big believer in allowing kids plenty of time to simple play…. you provide interesting, quality toys and props etc and then just give them time to do what they do best.
This year with the twinadoes at kinder though I have slipped into that chasm of worrying if my girls are behind, if we should be doing x y or z with them now, or should we have already done that and? but? if? It is so easy to fall into that trap isn’t it….
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By katef on 05.16.08 3:56 pm | Permalink
I see this parenting flow into the my kindergarten. So many parents voice their worries about their child being ‘behind’ and send them to various activities throughout the week thinking that every waking moment needs to be filled. A common comment i used to recieve from parents when i worked in child care was “i wouldn’t know what to do with them if i didn’t send them to creche, they would be so bored,” which i find to be quite alarming that the value of ‘just playing’ is somewhat forgotten (generalising!). When it comes to Kinder, my teaching style has changed quite a lot because i see children coming in that are always entertained by others or directed what to do/how to do things. My program is now a lot more relaxed with as much opportunity for long uninterupted periods of time for play of their choice. For some children it takes quite a long time for them to be able to stop asking “what do i do now?” or to be able to simply paint for the joy of it without their having to be a particular end product. Sometimes when i question if i am doing enough as a teacher i remind myself that when else in their life will they be able to play in the blocks/sandpit/swings all day if they want to?
By Kazoo on 05.16.08 4:15 pm | Permalink
Nice post. Unfortunately, I see this happen way too often in my community. I meet these parents every day, especially at sporting events. They are the ones yelling at their for making a mistake, yelling at official on behalf of their kid, and generally just being obnoxious.
My wife decided early on that we want kids who are interested in many different things, happy, and have time to just be a kid.
By Troy on 05.17.08 4:11 am | Permalink
[...] more I read about modern parenting, the more I see “experts” encouraging parents with what seems to be a back to basics [...]
By Are You Turning Your Child Into A Wimp? | Planning With Kids on 06.27.08 10:50 pm | Permalink
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