Comments on: Change Your Words.

By: 10 Point Birthday Party Plan | Planning with Kids

10 Point Birthday Party Plan | Planning with Kids — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 12:23:32 +0000

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By: PreSchool Mama

PreSchool Mama — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 19:30:24 +0000

I have to agree with Bettina. To be very honest, we probably heard a lot of "don't do this" and don't touch that" when we were kids, and we haven't suffered very severely because of it! PreSchool Mama's last blog post..Time Management Tip: Make a PreSchool Activity Calendar

By: PlanningQueen

PlanningQueen — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 02:15:35 +0000

Bettina – I can understand this point. Raising children is a very personal thing and this type of communication is very important to me. For me focusing on the issue not the child, positive not the negative and looking for a solution not to blame are integral parts of building children who are going to be able to deal with failure/rejection/tragedy by using their problem solving skills and postive attitude.

It is so true that it is necesary for children to experience disappointment and failure through out their life, as this is the way of things and developing resilience only comes from real life experience.

By: Bettina

Bettina — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 11:03:43 +0000

hmmm.......... I can the sense of it, but some of those words don't have negative conotations for me so I don't see the need to use alternatives. I sometimes worry too that in our efforts to encourage our children that we promote a failsafe environment that will leave them unable to deal with failure later on as adults. I think it's more good attitudes to situations/circumstances that are the most important thing to teach. Bettina's last blog post..I'm so stupid

By: PlanningQueen

PlanningQueen — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 04:10:20 +0000

Allison – such a great idea to start when your little one is young. Establishing the right communication strategies is all about practice.

Something else that I have learnt along the way is to use the phrase “I need” as a starting point for my request. For example: “I need 5 minutes of quiet while I make this important phone call.” will work better than “You must not make noise while I am on the phone.”

Kate – I haven’t read anything by Alfie Kohn yet. I am waiting for the Homework Myth to come in at the local library. Is the one you are referring to called Punished by Rewards? If so I might buy it as I have a strong aversion to rewards and would love to hear about other approaches.

Thanks to everyone for your contributions. It is always so heartening to hear other mums/dads thoughtful approach to parenting and what resources they have found useful.

By: kate

kate — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 02:14:11 +0000

This is really spot on – on so many levels.

Since I first started studying child development the emphasis has always been on turning our words around to positives rather than negatives. Allison is right – the way young children learn language comprehension they don’t pick up the negatives until later. So saying ‘don’t run inside’ what they hear and comprehend is ‘run inside’ which is confusing for everyone. Much better to say what you want a child to do rather than what you don’t want a child to do for so many reasons… ‘walk inside’… it can feel silly when you first start it but one you get used to it it becomes a habit and is easy.

Have you ever read any Alfie Kohn? That point about manipulation is something that Alfie takes even further in his philosophy on ‘the risks of rewards’ and other behaviour management ideals. Really interesting stuff.

kate’s last blog post..Not Only But Alsoâ€¦

By: Allison

Allison — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 16:04:12 +0000

This is somewhat related, but one thing I am very conscious of is to NOT negate to my son. Granted, he’s only 7 months old, but I know it will come in handy later.

I’ve read and heard from multiple sources that negatives do not work for children. If he is holding a cup that is about to tip over, saying, “Don’t knock that over!” will, in fact, make him knock it over. Saying, “Hold on to your cup!” or simply, “Be careful!” is a much more direct, positive, way to interact with your child.

It’s a hard habit to break, and I find myself saying “no” to my 7 month old a lot, but I’m trying not to in hopes that when he is old enough to have more understanding I’ll be better at communicating with his young mind!

Allison’s last blog post..Happy 7-Month Birthday, Alex!

By: PlanningQueen

PlanningQueen — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 12:35:00 +0000

Lazy Cow – We have found the bring a solution model works well too. And I agree that it is always so much better if they can solve the problem themselves.

Trish – if you do remember where you read it, I would be interested as I really believe how we “label” has a huge impact on we deal with them.

By: Babyamore (Trish)

Babyamore (Trish) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 12:01:09 +0000

To digress I saw a similar thing on children's personality traits two columns one describing them as a weakness - then turning it into something positive. I wish I could remember where I read it. Babyamore (Trish)'s last blog post..A favour for Tiff

By: Lazy Cow

Lazy Cow — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 11:53:30 +0000

I often say to the kids (in probably NOT the best way!) "don't just bring me the problem, try and think of a solution", which is what some of my managers used to say at work, many years ago. Hmmm, might have to work on my delivery, though it does seem to work and they often think of ways to solve problems! Lazy Cow's last blog post..You know, the laundry really can wait...