Can Women Have It All????
Written on February 29, 2008 – 12:14 am | by PlanningQueen
I have seen the best seller “The Dangerous Book for Boys” in the book shops and must admit that I haven’t really taken much notice of it. It was with surprise that I read that there was also two like books on sale for girls. Peggy Orenstein writes about these books in “Girls Will Be girls” which was published in the New York Times on Feb 10 this year.
The above mentioned books are are two advice manuals aimed at girls, “The Dangerous Book for Girls” and “The Girls’ Book: How to be the Best at Everything.” and Orenstein in her article comments that both books encourage
“for girls to have it both ways: to be able to paint their nails and break them too;”.
She then follows this with:
For decades now, girls have been told that “you can do anything.” “How to Be the Best at Everything,” originally published in England, might as well add “. . in heels and lipstick.”
Now I have not read either of these books, but found that Prenstein’s critique of them drew me back to the core issue of women “having it all”.
In July 2002, a leading Australian journalist, Virginia Haussegger wrote an opinion piece in the Melbourne broadsheet, The Age titled “The sins of our feminist mothers.” Haussegger in her piece wrote about her pain of having a career and then trying late in life to have a baby and being unable to do. She expressed her anger at believing in what she felt was the myth of “having it all” as sold to her by her “feminist mothers.”
At this stage of my life, I had two children and was still getting the paper delivered daily and I eagerly watched the fall out of this article. I couldn’t wait to get the paper in the morning and head to the opinion section and see what was being said next. This was a very public forum on the issue that Orenstein is also tackling in her article in the New York Times.
The Virginia Haussegger opinion piece had tapped in to a very raw nerve amongst Australian women and it moved from just the opinion pages of the paper. “Meet Virginia, the women many love to loathe.” was one headline that came from this discussion.
For me I read this with interest and it made me think about what I had thought was possible prior to actually having children. Having my first child at 26, I had thoughts of wanting to “have it all” and I went into motherhood with a large dose of naivety. I was going to take 3 months off from my responsible job and head back to work. What was I thinking???? I did go back after 9 months, with a view to do my time and get home full time again as soon as I could. Having children is such a personal thing, that I don’t think you can ever really prepare yourself for how you may feel. I surprised myself with the ease and how happy I was to abandon my career.
But in reading the responses of the “they said “, “she said” fall out from Haussegger opinion piece, I did not think much about the future predicament of upcoming young women, I had only two sons at the time and it didn’t really enter my thoughts. Reading the piece form Orenstein in the New York Times has made me re-think this issue with a different focus. What will I tell my daughter? Will I tell her that she can have it all?
But what is having it all? I spent some time with a very smart and articulate woman yesterday, who suggested to me that the “all” is likely to be very different for each woman. What makes her “all” is operating her own successful business in a way that allows her still to have time to enjoy her beautiful children. My “all” for some years has been about being immersed in home life, but my “all” is now changing as my family grows up.
I am not sure what I will say to my daughter yet, when it comes time to talk to her about the choices she can make. I am glad though, that there have been many brave women before me that have made it possible that she does have a choice, regardless of how difficult the decisions might be to make.
I also wonder in the end if it will be my actions, not my words that will tell my daughter the most. I have chosen to be out of the paid workforce for last seven years now (but who knows where I will be in another seven!). As Possum is only four, I at least have time to plan what I will say to her on these issues.
Is this an issue that you have had to start dealing with yet? I would love to hear how you approached it.
NB. If you had trouble accessing the New York Times article, you may need to register (free and very quick) to see it properly.
17 Responses to “Can Women Have It All????”
By Design for Mankind on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply
OMG this is the BEST site!!! I am SO coming here EVERY day when I’ve got kiddies!
By Megan from Imaginif on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply
This is a great post for upcoming International Women’s Day. I am a feminist of the second and third waves. I value the work done by the first wave and I value the work done by post waves - even the Poppy Lipstick brigade.
Can women have it all? Very good question. Given that feminism is about the experiences of women, I share my own experience. I struggled with having it all. I was not good at making decisions and prioritising because of an inherent belief that I should be able to have it all. Nowadays, I just want to stay at home and blog all day, I want to be problogger - not an income earner outside of the home.
After a second divorce I had to re examine what “all” meant and what the cost of all was.
I am still feminist but I listen with both ears to what the current waves are saying….”all” means doing what suits them - if that means having babies and relying on a sole male bread winner, so be it, it is their right, their choice. While that is something I never did or entertained, darn how I wish I had their intelligence! I never enjoyed my children because I was too busy working, establishing and maintaing a career, earning money, and doing everything because I was a women, and could do everything. I put my young family second and it is my biggest regret.
Critiques suggest that modern young women have lost the struggle of our femninist history - so what, I am so over struggle. Struggle did not make it easier for me to make personal choices about putting kids in day care while I worked incredible hours and felt guilty.
I like being me now. On reflection, I didn’t like me when I tried to have it all, because the all was prescribed by a movement, rather than an internal locus of control.
Parenting is an incredibly hard job and a VERY important job. I am in awe of women who have managed to stand up to feminist pressure and stay at home to raise their kids in a non violent way. You are our future and you need celebrating.
Happy International Women’s Day to you all.
By Kirsty on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply
I’m thinking not. I cannot be all things to all people. Something has got to give & if you aren’t careful it might be you.
There is no way I could have worked outside the home when my kids were small. I simply wouldn’t have coped.
By PlanningQueen on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply
Thanks for sharing your experience Megan and for your warm encouragement and acceptance of women’s choices. It is experienced, rational voices like yours that need to be heard.
Happy International Women’s Day to you all as well.
By Lazy Cow on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply
Anna Quindlen, one of my favourite writers, once said something like “you can have it all, but not all at once”. She quit her successful writing career (much to the horror and dismay of feminists) to raise her children, then went back to writing at a later stage. I tend to agree with that. Not that I’ve had a great career, but that there are many stages in life, and for me, raising my children is the most important job at the for now. I’ll worry about other issues later!
By A on Mar 1, 2008 | Reply
Having choices is my ‘all’.
I can choose to work and to have a career, I can choose to stay with my children or I can choose to do a bit of both.
I thank the women before me, who fought so very hard for our rights. Their struggle has given me more options, but I won’t let it be an obligation.
The only obligation I have, is to the very best I can for myself and my children. Right now, my family is my all. When work fits in with our routines then that is a bonus.
I’m also a big believer in wanting what we already have, as opposed to always wanting something else.
A very thought provoking topic, in any case.
Happy International Women’s Day from us, too
By Sister Suffragette on Mar 1, 2008 | Reply
I’m nodding along. My ‘all’ at the moment is definitely at home with the kids. I can’t imagine being separated from them for work and am wholeheartedly throwing myself into life at home.
I’m not sure what the future holds for me career wise. There are many years between now and when I put myself back out there, so I’m determined to make the most of every day I do have here in child-world, and if I go back to my previous work that’s fine…but sometimes I get the feeling that something else might jump out and grab me instead. What that might be remains to be seen!
My luscious daughter was born on International Women’s Day last year, so it is a date especially close to my heart. May women the world over grow closer to our goal of having enough power to excercise choice in our lives.
By PreSchool Mama on Mar 2, 2008 | Reply
Hard to top Megan’s comment. She said it all.
I am a little tired of hearing about the “struggle” myself. While I am glad that we have more rights than we ever did, I think the pressure to be a “contributing” member of society can be enormous. And it’s so unnecessary.
By PlanningQueen on Mar 2, 2008 | Reply
Lazy Cow - What an apt quote from Anna Quindlen and I can see myself taking a similar path to hers.
A - I so believe that we have others to thank for having choice and we need to work with these choices so that we create the life we want.
Sister Suffragette - how gorgeous for your daughter to be born on International Women’s Day! Happy 1st birthday to her.
PreSchool Mama - I agree. I have often said that I wish women as whole were more supportive of each other what ever decision they make. The comments on this post, show me clearly that there are some fantastic women who make different choices, but also do respect those that others make, which to me is the spirit of sisterhood.
By kate on Mar 2, 2008 | Reply
Maybe the line we should be telling our future women is not that they can have ‘it all’, rather that they can have ‘whatever they want’?
To me ‘having it all’ implies that I should want to work and have a ‘career’ that is apart from my children and my family. Right now… I don’t want that at all. I want to be at home with my children, I want my family to be my main focus right now.
What I want though, is not the same as what someone else wants, nor is it right or wrong, or better or worse. So I sort of feel implying that everyone should aspire to have everything all the time just sets us all up for failure on some level?
I don’t plan to tell my girls that they can ‘have it all’ because I am not sure anyone ever can or that it would make you happy if you did… I plan to tell them that they can have and do and be whatever they want to be whenever they want to be it. That they don’t need to be or do anything but be happy.
By PlanningQueen on Mar 2, 2008 | Reply
Thanks Kate. I think you are right, we need to encourage our daughters that they can have what they want and should not be limited by gender. They just have to work out what it is that they want!
By Anne Maybus on Mar 3, 2008 | Reply
I don’t want it all, but I want the opportunity to decide for myself which bits I want and which I don’t. I can see my daughter already going through this at 11 years of age. She is fortunate that she is a strong minded girl who will be able to sift and find the things that best suit her. The trouble with having it all is the pressure to be able to do it all well, that comes with it. Perhaps that was an issue for our generation, not the next.
By Guera on Mar 3, 2008 | Reply
This is great post, Planning Queen. Thanks for visiting my site and I’m glad I’ve finally got time to visit yours, now that we’re home again.
It is a very thought-provoking topic and something that, sadly I think, can be controversial. I have a real problem with women who champion the (original) feminist ideals (which were all about giving women choices) and then criticise women who make a CHOICE to stay at home.
I agree with Kate. I don´t plan to tell my girls they can have it all. No-one can have it all; everything we do in life involves making choices and sometimes compromises. I think its unrealistic to set our girls up like this with unattainable ideals. I´m going to tell them they can do whatever they want, but there’ll always be choices they have to make.
By Lazy Cow on Mar 3, 2008 | Reply
Just revisiting this post as I’ve been reading a wonderful novel by Dorothy Canfield called The Home-maker. It was written in 1924 but is scarily modern in its theme of what constitutes a ‘good’ mother. It seems not much has changed from that time, and her insights into the minds of mothers, fathers and even children are astonishing. I can’t recommend this book highly enough.
Lazy Cow’s last blog post..Will the paint fumes EVER disappear?
By Karan on Apr 2, 2008 | Reply
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